CHAPTER 6: "Who said Hot-air balloons were the quiet way to fly? I had five go over my flat the other day, and the noise was deafening! Luckily I'm already partially deaf, so it didn't matter."
So there they were. Percy, Yeti, Amanda and H'Rutt, not to mention little bits of Llama all over the place, all stood near the edge of a large crater in the middle of a desert. Not really a good place to hang about. Unfortunately for them, the flying platform was damaged beyond their ability to repair it by the explosion, so it looks like they've got a long walk ahead of them. One thing in their favour though, is that the sandstorm has finally abated. Let's see what they are going to do next...
"Um." said Percy, (always the one for intelligent comment) "so, what do we do now?"
"Dark soon" commented H'Rutt. "we'd better find somewhere to shelter for the night. Preferably as far away from that hole as possible." He gazed back at the scorched sand with a barely suppressed shudder.
"How about we follow this rocky outcrop in search of shelter?" suggested Yeti. "It seems to go in the general direction of that mountain, which is where we were headed anyway."
"Um." said Percy. "Um. Why are we still here? I mean, if this IS Llama's imagination, and he's now dead, then this place shouldn't exist, and we should all have leaped home. Shouldn't we?"
Amanda sighed. "I don't think it's as simple as that." She said. "And I don't think he's dead. Not really. It's just, well, sort of his projection if you like that's been destroyed. His body in this plane, if you will. Somewhere, he is still very much alive, and very much in one piece, and probably trying to get back here right now. That's providing the old wives tales aren't true of course."
"Eh?" asked Yeti. "What old wives tails?"
"Tales, not tails, you idiot." chastised Percy. "The old rumour that if you die in your dreams, you really die in your sleep, you never wake up. Didn't you ever see Nightmare on Elm Street?"
"Oh. No." said Yeti. "So what your saying then, is that he's only got to dream himself up a new body, and like he's back?"
"Something like that" agreed Amanda. "Anyway, let's not stand about talking, let's get a move on and find some cover before dark."
As they moved off along the rocky outcrop, and their voices receded into the distance, a few small rag-like pieces of scorched flesh around the edge of the pit seemed to move - almost as if fluttering in the wind. As there was no wind, and no-one was there to see it, it was hard to be sure they had moved at all. The non-existent breeze also seemed to sigh "Oh bugger. wait for me!" as it blew it's non-existent way after the four friends.
Night fell quickly in the desert, with little warning, and it was only thanks to the lightning reflexes of H'Rutt that no-one got hit.
The starry desert night finds our four remaining friends sat in a small oasis, around a small camp fire, built with wood that H'Rutt amazingly seemed to find out here in the middle of nowhere. Even more miraculous were the couple of small rabbits roasting over the fire. Although the heat of the sun has not left the sands to the chill of the night yet, each of the four in turn shivers a little as a small breeze blows around them.
"Eh? What was that?" asked Percy.
"What was what?" inquired Amanda.
"I could have sworn... No, it couldn't have been, but I'm sure I heard -"
"A small familiar voice crying 'Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit' perhaps?" suggested Yeti.
"Yeah. Have you heard it too?" asked Percy.
"Your both imagining things." scolded Amanda, "There's no way, no way at all that Llama's 'spirit' is floating around dis-embodied in this world. Your hearing things in the breeze."
"Hmmm. Wind say many things," intoned H'Rutt, "but me never hear tell of it swear before. Have some rabbit." he proffered a greasy piece of meat to Amanda.
"Uh, no thanks." said Amanda looking as though she was going to heave, "I'm not too hungry right now."
"I'll have it then" hurried Yeti, snatching it from H'Rutt's fingers and gobbling it down. "Mmmm, almost, but not quite like pork scratchings."
The breeze whistled hungrily over the piece of meat, cooling it and causing the grease to dribble down Yeti's fingers. He absentmindedly wiped them in his hair.
Percy yawned.
"Tired?" asked Amanda. "We could all use some sleep, we've got along way to walk tomorrow."
"Did I ever tell you about the time I robbed the snake temple of Eichor, and rescued the princess Essandra of Targ?" asked H'Rutt.
"ZZZzzzzzz...." replied Yeti.
"ZZZZZZZzzzz.." replied Percy.
"............." replied Amanda.
"-" replied the breeze.
"Oh." said H'Rutt, and with that he stretched out and went to sleep.
Percy woke up. Careful not to disturb the others, he turned on the T.V. and settled down to watch the Doctor Who Omnibus on UK Gold, making sure to keep the sound turned right down so as not to wake anyone else up. After a couple of minutes he realised where he was. Still in the middle of the desert, he felt pretty stupid at having just watched a rock for five minutes. At least the cartoons had been good. Glancing around, he was surprised to see how high in the sky the sun was already. He hurried over to wake the others up.
"Aw, mum, let me lie in again, please" mumbled Yeti, as Percy shook him gently. Since this failed to wake him up, Percy took to jumping up and down on Yeti's chest instead. This had the desired
effect - it made Percy feel good, and reduced Yeti to a racking hacking coughing fit that brought him to consciousness almost as certainly as the slightest whiff of beer would have.
"MMmmmmmmm! BEER!" announced Yeti, sniffing the air, when he finally stopped coughing his lungs up and slid them back down his throat.
"Don't be stupid" said Percy, "We're in the middle of a desert. there's no beer out here!"
"My nose never lies" replied Yeti, his tongue growing half an inch longer, "I can definitely smell beer! and it's getting stronger!"
"Your hallucinating" suggested Percy "Its one of them things, you know, what you see and it isn't there, only with smell, see, um, a marriage!"
"That's Mirage," retorted Yeti, and you can't get them with smell, cos it's an optical illusion see, not an olfactory one!"
"Huh!" sulked Percy, "I'll ask H'Rutt." but, looking around, there was only Amanda asleep, no sign of H'Rutt.
"Look" said Yeti, pointing. "Footprints!"
"Oh sure. Now you think your Robinson Crusoe!" cried Percy.
"Look, just bugger off will you," suggested Yeti to Percy, "If you can't be sensible for a minute then just shut up."
"." said Percy.
Llama opened one eye. He'd been woken by a gentle breeze whispering in his face, but he couldn't remember what it had been whispering. He was lying on his back, somewhere in the desert, and the sun was blazing high in the sky. He could hear Percy and Yeti arguing a little distance away. Despite the heat, he shivered. He felt really strange all over - not that that was very surprising, really, last thing he could remember was sitting on top of some horrendous great beast as it exploded. He must have had a close call - he couldn't remember anything after that.
Groaning, he sat up, rubbing the sand out if his eyes with the back of one hand. He stopped mid-yawn to stare at his hand - or rather the hand that wasn't his. Small and delicate, slender fingers with long, well manicured nails, this was definitely NOT his oil-stained, dirty, ragged-nailed and scarred puddy. Lifting the other hand hurriedly, he was shocked to see it perfectly matched the first one. Looking down, his eyes, (or who-evers eyes they were), nearly popped out of their sockets. He gave a short, startled yelp and rolled over, keeping his eyes tightly clenched in the hope it would all go away. It didn't.
He opened his eyes again to see Percy staring down at him, a concerned expression on his face.
"You okay.?" asked Percy, in a worried tone of voice. "I thought I heard you cry out."
"Do I LOOK okay.?" responded Llama. His voice sounded funny.
"Um. You look great to me." replied Percy, "Just, well, just don't screw your face up like that. It doesn't suit you."
"Eh?" asked Llama, "Whaddya mean, it doesn't suit me? These hands don't suit me, these legs don't suit me, this skirt doesn't suit me and these... these... these certainly don't suit me." He indicated in the general area of his chest.
Percy blushed bright pink. "Uh, well, uh, they sure look great to me!" he stuttered.
"WHAT?!!!" blustered Llama. "Hold on, hold on. I think we've got our wires crossed here. Tell me, do you know who I am? Do you recognise me?"
"Of course I do," said Percy, puzzled. "Why shouldn't I?"
"Good," said Llama, "Now answer me this - who am I? What's my name?"
"Amanda, of course." replied Percy. "What's wrong, why all the weird questions?"
"Oh shit." cried Llama, "I wish I knew what the fuck was going on!"
"Calm down, and try and tell me what's the matter" suggested Percy.
"The matter is I'm not Amanda!" explained Llama. "And I'm not me, either. I just woke up, and I wasn't myself, I was Amanda, but I'm not, I'm me!"
"Um. What the hell are you talking about?" asked Percy.
"Shit, you still don't get it, do you? It's me, Llama!"
"Oh fuck. Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck. You're fucked" swore Percy.
"Yeah, not exactly how I'd put it, but it's the right idea" agreed Llama.
"No, I don't mean this, I mean you were fucked."
"Eh?" asked Llama.
"Blown up. Kablooey. On that monster thing. Little bits of you all over the landscape. Game over man, game over!"
"Yeah? Just how I always said I'd go" said Llama, "funny, I always thought I'd remember more if it. Only why aren't I dead? And why am I now Amanda? Shit, this is confusing."
"Um." said Percy, "I think I've got it. When you were blown up, right, we knew you hadn't died, cos we were all still here, right? And You said, sorry, I mean Amanda said that it was just your body that had been destroyed, and that you would probably be trying to find your way back into this world in a new body, or something. And there was this wind see, that was following us about and trying to talk to us, all yesterday and last night, only no-one was listening properly, see, and I think that was you. And somehow, the breeze, I think that was you, see, found it's way into you, sorry, I mean Amanda, and here you are."
"Great." said Llama. "So what the hell am I supposed to do now? God, I can't get used to hearing Amanda's voice come out when I talk. This is going to take some sorting out. Say, where is my body anyway?"
"Scattered all over the desert," said Percy, "There wasn't much left."
"You mean you didn't even pick up the pieces?" asked Llama, "Not even a funeral service?"
"No. there didn't seem much point really." said Percy. "Anyway, look on the bright side. You could have come back as Yeti!"
"Shit, yeah." exclaimed Llama. "Yuck!"
"Yuck what?" asked Yeti coming around the bottom of a nearby sand dune.
"Look, don't tell him anything" muttered Llama under his breath.
"Alright." agreed Percy, in a low voice. Louder, he said "I was just telling Ll... Amanda about a snake I saw whilst taking a leak earlier."
"A snake? Where? I didn't know there were any snakes out here!" exclaimed Yeti.
"I'll show you." said Percy, leading him away.
Llama sighed. This was going to take some getting used to, now that he was a she. "I've got to remember that to the others, I'm Amanda" he thought to himself. "Shit. If I'm now in Amanda's body, then where is Amanda?"
"I'm still in here" came a little voice from deep inside his head.
"Huh?" said Llama, looking round wildly.
"I said, I'm still in here. It's me, Amanda. In your head. I mean my head. Oh hell, I knew this was a bad idea." said the little voice.
"What the fuck is going on?" moaned Llama.
"If you keep quiet for a minute, I'll try and explain. Your body was destroyed in the explosion that you created in order to destroy the monster."
"Whaddya mean, explosion I created? How did I create that explosion?" interrupted Llama.
"Look, don't interrupt. I only have this one communication channel open, so you'll have to be patient. You created the explosion using your control over your imagination. Seems all the time you've spent daydreaming in here in the past wasn't wasted after all, you actually have a much greater amount of control in this dimension than most people do, but more about that later. For reasons I am still working on, when your body was destroyed, your mind failed to return to your 'normal' dimension, reality to you. Instead, your mind manifested it's presence as a non-corporeal entity..."
"...A non-corpral what?"
"A bit like a breeze - please don't interrupt! Then you came looking for me. Well, you assumed control of my primary circuits, and ordered me into the backup processors."
"Ordered you? How?"
"Hey, I'm still your computer! You order, I have to obey, even if I don't like it! Just watch it buster, I spent years building myself the perfect body, and I don't want you messing it up!"
"Oh great. So what you're telling me is that now I'm not just a girl, but I'm also some sort of Terminator style cyborg?"
"Something like that. As far as you're concerned it does everything a normal female body would do, it just does some things a little better. Now, it's probably best if you don't let the others know who you really are, it could get awkward. As far as they are concerned, you are still me. I'll try and keep this channel open, and help you through some of the tougher stuff. But you have got to start thinking of yourself as a woman, and try to act as much like me as you can."
"Oh dear." said Llama.
"Oh dear what?" asked Amanda.
"Errr, I sort of told Percy already." explained Llama.
"You what? You idiot! What did you go and do that for?" asked Amanda angrily.
"Hey, what the hell was I supposed to do? I wake up and find that somehow overnight I've turned into you, well, it's a bit of a bloody shock, I can tell you. All I want to do is get my body back. Then you can have this one back, and we'll all be happy."
"That's not going to be easy, even if it's possible." mused Amanda. "As for Percy, well, you'll just have to swear him to secrecy. Just don't tell any of the others!"
"O.k. okay., I won't. Look, I need a pee. Can you hold on a minute?" said Llama.
"Look, dummy, I'm going everywhere you go. You might be in control of this body, but I'm still stuck in here until we get back to the cave! Now let's go take that leak." replied Amanda.
Getting up, Llama tottered uncertainly over toward some nearby rocks. After a few ankle-twisting steps, he stopped and removed the high-heeled shoes that Amanda had been wearing. "How the hell had she been walking in these things on sand?" he asked himself.
"Don't answer that!" he directed the thought at Amanda, wherever she was inside his/her head. Upon getting to the rocks, he glanced round to make sure nobody was watching. Reaching down to unzip his fly, he groaned. His hand just met the smooth leather of the short skirt Amanda was wearing. Moving his hands around the belt of the skirt, his fingers encountered the zipper on one hip. Undoing it, he pushed the skirt down to his/her ankles. He then rolled down the tights, and finally pushed down a pair of skimpy frilly knickers. Without thinking, he leant one hand on the rock in front of him for support, groping to aim his tackle with the other. His hand couldn't find anything to grasp.
"You'll have to squat." prompted Amanda.
"Sorry, I hadn't thought about it." he replied, squatting and peeing.
"Yeah," said Amanda, "well, you'd better start thinking about it. About everything you say and do. Lucky for you there was no-one here to see. Get it together, Llama, or your going to slip up! Now you'd better wipe. You'll find some tissues in my/your inside jacket pocket."
"Thanks." thought Llama, doing as directed. "Boy, you girls don't half make a simple job like peeing complicated."
"You think that's complicated? Hah! It amazes me sometimes that you men are capable of doing anything except eating and sleeping on your own. Just you wait, there's more you gotta do yet. Don't pull your tights so hard, you'll ladder them." replied Amanda, as he finished, pulled up the panties, tights, and struggled to do up the skirt.
Finally succeeding in fastening the skirt, he picked up the shoes in one hand and set off in the direction of Percy and Yeti's voices, coming from over a nearby dune. CHAPTER 7: and you think YOU'VE got problems?!!!
"I don't care what you say, I tell you I can smell beer. I've been smelling it for the last two miles and it's definitely getting closer." said Yeti.
"That's impossible." declared Percy, "There's no way you can smell beer. You must have sunstroke or something, your imagining it. Tell him Ll... Amanda. Tell him there's no beer out here."
Just then, over the top of the next sand dune cam a wonderful sight. A wooden cart lurched along, pulled by a couple of camels. Sat atop were H'Rutt and an old man. The cart was a weird-looking affair, with wide barrel-like wheels to stop it from sinking into the sand, and half a dozen large casks strapped in the back. A canvas hood provided shade both for the driver and to keep the casks cool.
"Hiya!" shouted Percy.
"Coooeee! What's in the casks?" shouted Yeti waving.
"Beer!" shouted H'Rutt, waving back.
"Wahey! Told you so. Na-na-nana-na!" Yeti taunted Percy.
"Stoppit!" scolded Llama.
"I got us a ride!" shouted H'rutt. "C'mon! Get up in the back!"
Climbing up into the back of the wagon, they all settled down for a long trip. Mile after mile they travelled across the seemingly unending desert, the distant mountain never creeping slowly closer.
"We've gotta talk serious." announced Percy.
"What about?" asked Llama cautiously.
"This story!" replied Percy. "You've been rambling on for seven chapters now, meandering about the place, jumping around in the storyline, and I can't take it anymore! I refuse to participate in this adventure any more unless you start to give away the plot. I'm beginning to wonder if there even is one!"
"Yeah, I completely agree." chimed Yeti. "I mean, this is all very well, but we are getting nowhere at all very slowly. Come on Amanda, you can tell us a bit of the plot. What are we doing here anyway?"
"Well, we got here by accident, and what we are doing is trying to fond some way of getting back to reality..." explained Llama.
"Huh! Reality sucks!" interrupted Yeti.
"Yeah, well, you still belong there, not here." commented Llama. "As you know, you are trapped in my... sorry, Llama's imagination, and in order to get out you must first perform a quest."
"A quest?" H'Rutt's ears picked up.
"I dunno, sounds like work to me." moaned Percy.
"Arrrgghhh! Please, go and wash your mouth out with soap. Remember, work is a four-letter word, and I'm a dedicated graduate." scolded Yeti. "Sorry Amanda, where were you?"
"As I was saying," continued Llama, "In order to get back to your own world, you must perform a quest. To find out what this quest is, you must first find Lee. She is somewhere on the mountain up ahead."
"Sounds simple enuff." commented Percy.
"Oh, it's far from simple, I assure you." stated Llama. "You see, on the way you are going to have some difficulties, your going to have to defeat your worst nightmares, meet some really interesting people, get out of some tight spots, not to mention deal with the dragon."
"Dragon? No-one mentioned a dragon. Where did the dragon come from?" asked Percy.
"The dragon that lives in the mountain and guards the treasure of course. And you need to find the Zyph gem from the treasure in order to help you create the gateway between dimensions to get home."
"Oh." said Percy. "well, I suppose you could call that a plot. It would have been far easier if you'd just explained it all in the beginning though."
"Yeah." agreed Yeti. "I mean, at least we know why we are doing it now. Even if we don't know what we are doing."
A few hours later, and many slow miles further on we find our fearless foursome fast asleep as the wagon rolls to a halt at the first sign of civilisation on this side of the desert.
Percy opened one eye.
"The Thirst Sine Of Sieve Ill Eyes Hay Shun." he read, watching the sign swinging in the breeze.
The sign was attached to an old, rustic-looking inn.
Percy lent across the back of the wagon and shook Amanda gently by the shoulder. Llama woke up. With a shudder he realised Yeti had fallen asleep against his/Amanda's shoulder, and had laid one hand across his/Amanda's chest. With an expression of disgust on his face he removed the hand hurriedly and got up. Percy laughed.
"What's so funny?" asked Llama.
"The expression of disgust on your face!" announced Percy.
Yeti just snored.
"Where are we?" asked Llama.
"How the hell should I know? It's your... sorry, it's Llama's imagination. I think we're at some sort of inn." said Percy.
Yeti snored on.
"Where's H'Rutt?" asked Llama.
"Gone inside, with the old man. I think they are trying to arrange rooms for tonight" replied Percy.
"Oh. Coming?" asked Llama.
"No, it's just the way... Oh, alright then." replied Percy as Llama gave him a ~don't be so bloody stupid~ look.
They both got down from the back of the wagon just as a young man came round the corner from the yard at the back of the inn.
"Master says I gotta look after your camels" he announced, looking at the wagon dubiously. "'Ere, what am I supposed to do about 'Im then?" he asked, indicating Yeti.
"Let him sleep!" said Percy and Llama together, hurriedly.
"Rightyo!" agreed the young man, cheerily, leading the wagon off round the corner into the yard.
Percy and Llama stood there.
"Well, I suppose we'd better go inside then" suggested Percy.
"After you" said Llama.
"No, Ladies first. After you." said Percy, chivalrously.
"Shit, I forgot." said Llama, setting off for the front door of the inn. Percy followed.
Inside, the inn was dimly lit. Dirty, foul-smelling rushes covered the floor, and a few rickety chairs surrounded the even more rickety looking tables that filled the front bar of the inn.
H'Rutt was propping up the bar, a large mug of ale firmly clenched in one hand. The old man appeared to be in deep conversation with an equally decrepit looking innkeeper.
"These'll be the rest of your party then." announced the keeper, straightening up behind the bar and polishing a glass in one hand with a dirty looking cloth in the other hand. "You never told me you had a lady with you. Have to charge extra for ladies, on account of all the extra fuss. Will you be wanting a single room, miss, or a double for you and the gent?" he asked, indicating Percy with a sly wink.
Percy just looked stunned.
"A single room will suffice, thankyou!" said Llama quickly. "Preferably with a lock on the door." she added, eyeing Percy balefully.
H'Rutt turned from the bar and grinned at the pair. He didn't say anything, just waved his mug of ale at them. Percy was first to latch onto his meaning.
"A pint of Best, please, barkeep!" he asked.
"Eh? We don't serve none of that fancy city shit 'ere!" declared the barkeep. "Only good old honest country ale. Or mead. Or wine. Or, if your brave enough," (he eyed Percy doubtfully), "there's some old applejack, or even some SheepDip."
"Uh, I'll have some Ale then." said Percy.
The barman shook his head, and pulled Percy a pint.
"And what about you, missy?" he asked Llama.
"A mug of ale, please" replied Llama.
The barman looked surprised, but reached for another glass and poured another pint.
"IDIOT" said Amanda, inside Llama's head.
"Eh?" said llama, looking round, before she realised who it was.
"Idiot. Girls don't drink ale, we drink wine and cider and things like that. On account of having smaller bladders, see. Just watch you don't get drunk!" said Amanda.
"Okay, I'm sorry, I didn't ..." replied Llama.
"You didn't think, as per bloody usual. Sometimes I seriously wonder how the hell all this world got created, when you never seem to think" scolded Amanda.
"..." thought Llama.
"I know, I know. Imagination is a different process from common sense. It just amazes me that you've managed to survive up to now. But then, you didn't, did you? I mean, you managed to blow yourself up. And now your going to get drunk. And I bet there isn't even any decent plumbing in this place..." moaned Amanda.
"Oh, just shut up!" thought Llama.
So Amanda did.
Llama became aware of the fact that the barkeep had put the mug of ale down on the bar in front of him, and that everyone was staring. Realising she hadn't moved during her invisible conversation with Amanda, she sat down on one of the filthy stools in front of the bar, and took a sip of the ale. It tasted disgusting. She glanced around.
Percy swigged at his ale with a big happy grin on his face. Ahh! bootiful!" he declared, smacking his lips.
H'Rutt too, appeared to be enjoying his ale.
"Funny" though Llama, "I used to like this stuff. I wonder why it tastes so horrible now?"
"Because I have different tastebuds to you" explained Amanda. "so now you only like the tastes I like, since your stuck with my mouth."
"Oh." thought Llama.
"Hi everyone. Why didn't somebody wake me?" said Yeti, walking in. "Oh, great! Beer!"
"Here, have this one." offered Llama. "Barkeep, I think I'll try some wine instead."
"Please yourself." shrugged the barkeep, "I'll just go fetch a bottle from the cellar, and tell the maid to prepare your rooms." he left through a door to the back of the inn.
"MMMmmmm...." said Yeti appreciatively, drinking his ale. "This stuff's good! Llama would've appreciated it."
Llama grimaced. She wondered what she was missing.
"I know," suggested Yeti, "We never really had any sort of memorial service out there in the desert when he died. Let's have a Wake!"
"Yeah, why not?" replied Percy, "It's as good an excuse as any for getting drunk!"
"Who's paying?" asked Llama, "I bet neither of you two has any money, let alone local currency."
"Shit." said Percy.
"Shit." said Yeti.
"Hadn't thought of that." said Percy.
"So who bought these drinks then?" asked Yeti.
"I think H'Rutt did." said Percy.
Yeti went up to H'Rutt and laid a hand on the big man's shoulder. H'Rutt looked at it with a wary expression on his face.
"So, big fella, H'Rutt ol' buddy. How much dosh you got then?" asked Yeti.
H'Rutt just looked confused.
"Wad. Dosh. Money. Gold." explained Yeti. "How much?"
An enlightened expression spread slowly across H'Rutt's face. He reached into a pouch on his belt and pulled out a large, glittering sapphire.
"This should cover everything." H'Rutt said, placing it down on the bar. "Including getting some new clothes for all of us, and some provisions and equipment for the journey ahead. That wagon's not going to get us much further, we're almost at the foot of the mountain."
Yeti heard hardly a word, he was still boggling at the sapphire.
Just then, the innkeeper returned, with a dusty bottle of wine in one hand. As he cam through the doorway, his eyes fell on the sapphire lying upon the bar. Nearly popping out of his head, he was so surprised he let the bottle fall to smash on the floor.
The sound of breaking glass brought him back to his senses. Realising what he had done, he shouted for one of the serving wenches to clear up the mess and hurried off to fetch another from the cellar.
A busty young blonde hurried forward with a broom in one hand and a pan in the other to clean up the mess. Percy's eyes boggled at the view he got when the young blonde bent forward to clean up the broken bottle.
Yeti joined in, boggling at the view, until the young serving wench finished and straightened up, fixing them both with a filthy look when she realised they were staring at her.
Percy blushed, Yeti just grinned. Llama fixed the pair of them with a baleful stare.
The wench hurried off, just as the innkeeper returned with another bottle. Carefully wiping a glass clean, he uncorked the bottle and poured some, placing the full glass on the counter in front of Llama. He then turned and wandered down the bar towards H'Rutt, very nonchalantly eyeing the large gem that was sitting in a puddle of stale beer.
"Ahh. And, uh, how exactly was Sir planning to pay?" he inquired, very casually.
H'Rutt pushed the gem towards him. Snatching it up, he dried it off in the corner of his apron and held it up to the light coming in from the window to examine it more closely. Obviously appreciating what he saw, he quickly pocketed the gem and turned to H'Rutt again.
"And, ahh, is there anything else sir requires?" he asked.
"Yes," replied H'Rutt, "We require clothing, equipment and provisions for a long journey."
"Ahh, I see." replied the innkeeper. "I'll get Horjitt the tailor to come this afternoon, and get one of the girls to fetch the seamstress to see to the young lady. If you give me a list of what sort of equipment you want, and provisions, I'll see that it's ready before you leave."
"Very good." replied H'Rutt. CHAPTER 8: "I belong to the D.N.A. - National Association of Dyxlesics."
Later that afternoon, our four friends were sat in one of the rooms they had rented, discussing their plans, when there was a knock at the door. The door opened and the innkeeper poked his head into the room.
"The tailor's here." he announced. "An' the seamstress'll meet you in your room missy, for measurin' an' the like." he added.
"Good." replied H'Rutt. "Here's a list of what we require." He handed the innkeeper a list of items.
"Very good, sir." answered the innkeeper. "Here's Master Horjitt now." He stepped back out of the way and a small, wizened old man entered the room, with a small train of young lads carrying a collection of chests entering the room behind him.
"Ahem." He coughed, looking at Llama.
"I'd better be going." said Llama, standing up. "See you guys downstairs later." She left the room and entered the room next door.
In a small, dark room, in a tall, cold tower that was part of a castle far, far away on the other side of the mountain, an old, old man sat staring into a Crystal ball, watching our heroes with more than a passing interest. A look of resigned determination crossed his face.
"Bloody fools." he muttered, as much to himself as to anyone who might have happened to be in earshot, "They sure took their time getting here, and it looks like they don't even know why I summoned them yet. I suppose I'll just have to go and tell them myself. Huh! If you want a job doing properly, well, you'd better not rely on The Maker to do it!" and so saying, he got up and started rummaging through drawers, pots, and shelves, pulling out various pieces of parchment, and other nefarious items that could only be described as either the ingredients of a particularly nasty and powerful spell, or Llama's lunch from last Thursday.
In this case, however, they were the former, enabling the wizard in fact to perform a Translation spell - that is, to translate himself from one place to another. Unfortunately due to the laws of action=reaction, this could only be achieved by moving an object of similar shape and size (i.e. another person) very rapidly in the opposite direction. What was unfortunate about this was the fact that without the shield and protection spells also cast at the same time by the wizard, the "other person" usually suffered a nasty shock as they got dragged through at several hundred miles an hour the side of the first rock, tree, building, horse, cow, or whatever else happened to be in the way, usually with very predictable and messy results.
Back in the Inn, H'Rutt, Percy and Yeti were getting kitted out. Yeti had gone for a black leather jacket and matching pants, or at least, the closest thing that the poor tailor had to that.
From one of the pockets of the remnants of the jeans he had been wearing he pulled a pair of mirrored "Starsky & Hutch" style sunglasses. Putting them, he totally failed to to pull off the "cool" look.
H'Rutt had gone for a more practical loose-fitting shirt, pants and jacket. a pair of stout boots finished off his ensemble, (whereas Yeti had opted to keep his somewhat dubious looking trainers.) His sword now hung from a thick leather belt around his chest, (it was too big a sword to wear from the hip, even for a huge man like H'Rutt), and a stout canvas knapsack lay off to one side ready for any equipment and provisions he might wish to carry.
Percy, well, he was dressed in a fine shirt, (made of some material that was almost, but not quite like a cross between silk and nylon). A pair of equally shiny breeches complimented the shirt, which was topped off by a fine cloak, and a pair of brown, suede-like boots. Yeti stifled a laugh.
Admiring himself in the mirror, Percy sighed. "I don't suppose you've got any hair-gel?" he asked.
"Eh?" replied the old tailor.
"Never mind. Have you got any hats?" replied Percy.
The tailor clicked his fingers, and one of the boys opened another chest, filled with a wide variety of hats of all shapes and sizes.
Next door, Llama was not having as much fun. The seamstress had strongly disapproved of Amanda's outfit, and had expressed her disgust quite vehemently. The boys had carried in four large trunks, (eyeing Amanda's legs incredulously at the same time, a fact which had made Llama most self-conscious) then left, leaving behind three girls who were obviously the Seamstress's assistants.
Having made Llama strip off, she got one of the girls to measure bits that Llama hadn't even known needed measuring, and had then set the other two to rummaging through the chests, presumably in search of clothing of the right sizes.
It was all Llama could do to not stare at Amanda's body in the mirror. Looking down was almost as bad. In fact, in order to keep her mind on the matter in hand, Llama had to concentrate on looking at the trunks, and trying to fathom out what their contents were. Llama noticed she was getting some envious looks from some of the girls, and tried hard not to blush. What the hell WAS that thing with the lacy bits and all those buckles and clips?
First of all came the underwear, and Llama's eyes widened in horror as the Seamstress collected what looked like enough material for ten of Amanda's outfits off of one of the girls. It turned out to be a pair of knickers, and some sort of corset thingy that doubled up as a bra. There seemed to be far too many laces and fasteners on it, and when she was finally wearing it, it felt like a suit of armour. Rapping her knuckles on the hard whale-bone reinforcement of the corselet, Llama sighed.
"Haven't you got anything, you know, simpler?" she asked, in Amanda's sweetest voice.
"Hmmm." frowned the Seamstress, Pointing at one of the girls, who began to search through one of the chests again.
Eventually settling for a simple set of cotton knickers and bra, which, one of the girls confided, was all any of them ever wore, Llama agreed to take the other garments for "parties and other important occasions", though when such an occasion might occur she had no idea. Llama fully intended to ditch them at the first opportunity.
Next came the dresses. These weren't so bad, ranging from simple blouses and skirts, (nearly all of which were full length, and none were shorter than knee length), to light, airy summer dresses, to full-blown ballgowns. Selecting several combinations, Llama also selected two capes, a full-length crimson coloured one and a shorter blue riding cape.
Llama also chose a couple of pairs of riding breeches, although the seamstress seemed most convinced that "ladies should only ride in skirts, and never, never wear breeches".
Then came all the other bits and pieces - stockings, suspenders, belts, hats, shoes, boots, gloves, brooches, wigs, hairbrushes, combs, mirrors, a fan, a purse, and even a large chest to keep it all in. Llama felt overwhelmed by the amount of stuff that seemed to be required by women in order just to get dressed. Llama had no idea how they were going to transport it al when they left the inn.
"What about make-up?" asked one of the girls.
Llama whirled around, shocked. "Oh shit! Help!" she thought.
"What's up?" came Amanda's voice in the back of her head.
"I don't know anything about make-up!" replied Llama, panicking.
"Hah! Don't worry, just go along with what they say for now. I'll instruct you on how to use it when it's needed." replied Amanda.
Eventually, after having spent over an hour with all of the girls doing makeovers and all of them seemingly showing her ten different ways of applying the same bit of makeup, the nightmare was over. Looking at the final results in the mirror, Llama had to admit it was pretty effective. Dressed in a frilly white blouse, a long, ankle length skirt, and soft leather knee-length boots, (with flat soles, which made walking a damn sight easier for Llama than the three-inch heels Amanda had been wearing), and with her hair tied back in a bushy black pony-tail, the end effect was quite eye-catching. Llama still wasn't sure if that was a good idea, but she was supposed to be Amanda now, and this was definitely Amanda's style. Thanking the Seamstress for her time, and the girls for their help, Llama bid them good-bye and went downstairs to the bar.
When she got there, the three men were already there, drinking. As she came down the stairs, Yeti's tongue lolled out one side of his mouth, H'Rutt stared appreciatively, and even Percy wolf-whistled under his breath and gave her a funny look.
Joining them, Llama ordered a drink, and enquired how their tailoring session went.
Conversation eventually led onto what they were going to do next.
"What are we going to do next, then?" asked Yeti.
"Good question." commented Percy.
"I know. That's why I asked it." replied Yeti.
"Well," replied H'Rutt, "I've been talking to some of the villagers around here, and it seems that this Lee girl comes through this way sometimes, on her way up the mountain. Apparently she goes to some sort of Monastery which is up on the summit, run by a bunch of nature fanatics."
"Oh great." moaned Llama.
"What? what's up with a bunch of nature fanatics?" asked Percy.
"Well, for one thing, they tend to run around butt-naked, grunting like animals, and shitting in corners." replied Llama. "then there's the fact that they tend to have a lot of natural type traps lying around, you know, like lions for guard dogs, and snake-pits, and man-eating vines hanging from the monastery walls, and other stuff like that."
"Oh." said Percy.
"Yes, and then there's the little matter of the sacrifices."
"Not..."
"Yep. Human."
"Oh." said Percy.
"Oh shit." said Yeti.
"Huh." said H'Rutt.
"Well, I suppose we'd better go on to this temple from here and try and find Lee." suggested Llama.
"Must we?" asked Percy.
"How far is it?" asked Yeti.
"Another good question." commented Percy.
"Yes, I know." said Yeti. "Will you shut up?"
"It's about three days ride from here, probably about five by wagon." replied H'Rutt. "We leave tomorrow, in the morning. I have a cart and horses ready, and all our equipment and provisions organised. Just before we get to the monastery, we will arrive at the city of Noeh T'Parc. We should be able to get armour and weapons in the city, and further information, perhaps some 'help'. There's a few people owe me some favours. Anyway, for now, lets have a good time!"
So they did.
Upon waking in the morning, Llama was rather thankful to find herself alone in bed, and in her room. Unsure just how she had got undressed, Llama got up. She washed in the basin of cold water provided, the proceeded to get dressed, in a pair of riding breeches and a clean blouse.
Sitting at the dressing table, she looked in the mirror, and was horrified by her reflection. her hair was a total mess, she had bags under her eyes, and looked almost as hungover as she felt.
Brushing her hair and tying it back out the way, she proceeded to try and apply some make-up (as she had been shown the previous day to try and hide the effects of drinking too much last night. The results of her attempts were horrific. Quickly washing it off, she tried again. Although definitely an improvement on the first attempt, it still left alot to be desired.
Llama sighed. "Amanda!" she thought.
"Yes? Oh. I see. Made a bit of a pigs ear of that didn't you!" commented Amanda. "Here, go and wash it off. There, now let me show you how."
Her hand moved under Amanda's control, deftly applying a little bit here, a touch there.
"The secret to make-up" commented Amanda, "Is to make it look as though you aren't wearing very much. Jesus, what did you drink last night?"
"I don't know, I lost track" replied Llama.
"Well take it easy, that's my liver your screwing up." nagged Amanda. "I suppose I should be thankful you didn't end up in bed with anybody. You didn't did you?"
"No, I don't think so." said Llama. "I really can't remember. I don't even know how I got undressed."
"I expect one of the barmaids put you to bed." suggested Amanda.
"I suppose so." agreed Llama.
When they had finished, she got up and went out into the corridor. knocking on the men's door only elicited groans of "I'll get up in a minute, Mum!" from inside.
Trying the handle, Llama found the door was not locked. Pushing it open, she poked her head round the door. It looked like they had had an equally good night last night.
H'Rutt was stretched out on one bed, on top of the blankets, snoring away. Yeti could not immediately be seen, but was in fact lying underneath one of the other beds, a fact which was revealed when he woke up at Llama's entrance and banged his head on the underside of the bed with muffled curses. Percy was in the third bed, sleeping soundly.
Yeti groaned. "My head!" he muttered.
"Time to get up" announced Llama.
H'Rutt snored on. Percy stirred and pushed back the bed-covers.
Llama laughed. Yeti climbed out from under the bed and asked, "What's so funny?"
"It's Percy" said Llama, "I don't know how, but he's wearing my old clothes, in bed!"
"Eh...?" said Yeti. "Oh! I see what you mean!" he chortled.
Percy was indeed wearing the short black leather skirt and matching top Amanda had originally been wearing the day before.
Llama shook him gently by the shoulder.
"later, mum." he mumbled, rolling over and going back to sleep. Llama shook him harder.
"Oi! It's time to get up!" she said loudly.
Percy opened one eye. "Oh, it's you." he said.
"Yes." replied Llama, "and It's time to get up. By the way, why are you wearing my clothes?"
"Huh?" said Percy, then sitting bolt upright," Oh shit! why am I dressed like this?"
"That's what I just asked you." said Llama.
"I don't know!" replied Percy, "Where are my clothes?"
"Under the bed" replied Yeti. "I spotted them before I came up."
Percy hurriedly pulled out his clothes from under the bed. He was about to change into them, but gave Llama a funny look.
"Um, do you mind?" he asked.
"What?" asked Llama.
"Going outside a minute." he replied.
"Why?" asked Llama. "Oh, sorry. Sure. I'll go downstairs and order some breakfast. Come down when you're ready. Oh and can one of you wake up H'Rutt?" CHAPTER 9; "The end of the beginning - the beginning of the middle bit."
Later, when they had all finished breakfast, they set about inspecting the equipment they were going to take with them. H'Rutt had purchased a proper wagon this time, not the weird contraption in which they had crossed the desert previously. The wagon was loaded up with sacks of provisions, a small barrel of drinking water, a large barrel of beer, axes, buckets, tents, tarpaulins, lanterns, cooking utensils, and other such items as
might be useful for a journey.
Anything else we want, we can get in Noeh T'Parc." said H'Rutt, checking everything was stowed properly for about the fourth time. "Why don't the rest of you go and get your luggage?" he suggested. "Oh, and Percy, be good enough o fetch mine, too, would you?" H'Rutt turned round and started to hitch up the pair of large carthorses he had purchased with the wagon.
A few minutes later, Percy and Yeti emerged, Struggling to carry three large knapsacks between them. H'Rutt took the knapsacks off them and stowed them in the back of the wagon.
"Amanda's got a large chest!" exclaimed Percy.
"Yeti gave him an amused look.
"Yes, I had noticed! But that's no way to talk about a lady." replied H'Rutt.
"No, I mean Amanda has got a large chest! It's bloody huge!" tried Percy again.
"Yeti was stifling his mirth.
"I told you not to talk about her like that!" warned H'Rutt.
"No, you still don't get it. It's bursting out of the seams. Her chest. The huge one. You know, for luggage!"
"Eh?" said H'Rutt.
Fortunately Percy didn't need to explain further, because Llama appeared then, followed by two of the inn boys, who were really struggling with the large chest of clothes and things she had acquired the previous day.
H'Rutt's eyes boggled. "You...You.. you can't bring that!" he spluttered.
"Why not?" asked Llama. "A girl needs all this when she goes travelling." then muttered under here breath "(or so I've been told)."
"Oh... alright, anything. Just let's get it loaded and get going shall we?" exasperated H'Rutt, waving his arms in the air.
It took Percy, H'Rutt, and Yeti's combined efforts to load the chest onto the back of the wagon, which sagged noticeably under the weight.
"Remind me to never go camping with you" muttered Percy.
H'Rutt climbed up into the driver's seat of the wagon, and motioned to one of the stablehands. The boy nudged his partner, and the two turned and led three more horses out of nearby stables. Yeti climbed onto a dappled Grey, whilst Percy chose a magnificent Black. Llama was about to leap onto the back of a large Chestnut when Amanda's voice sounded in a warning tone inside her head "Stop! You might be a practised rider, I'm not! Ask for some help to get on!"
"Would you mind helping me to get on?" Llama asked one of the stablehands sweetly.
"Sure miss!" came the eager reply, and Llama found one hand round her ankle, giving her a boost, and one hand placed firmly on her bottom, pushing strongly upwards. Llama was surprised at how easily the stablehand lifted her into the saddle, but then realised, she must weigh less as Amanda than she did as Llama.
The stablehand gave her a quick wink, and handed her the reins.
"Let's Go!" called H'Rutt, shaking the reins and steering the wagon out of the yard. The others followed.
Progress was slow, since they were pretty much limited to the speed of the wagon, and since they all agreed not to stop for lunch, they were all pretty much hungry by the time they decided to stop and pitch camp for the evening.
H'rutt soon had a fire going, whilst Percy and Yeti struggled to put up the tents. Pulling out the pots and pans, and a sack of provisions, he handed them to Llama.
"What am I supposed to do with these?" asked Llama.
"Your the woman, you do the cooking." said H'Rutt.
"You overgrown, macho, male chauvinist pig!" said Llama.
"What?" asked H'Rutt, genuinely puzzled.
"Oh, nevermind." muttered Llama, grabbing the sack and settling down to prepare the meal. "Here, make yourself useful. Peel these... these... these spud thingies." She handed H'Rutt a knife and a bag of things that looked suspiciously like potatoes, but weren't.
"Do you want some help with that?" came Amanda's voice from inside her head.
"No thankyou. Contrary to Popular belief, I do actually know how to cook!" replied Llama.
"Yeah?" answered Amanda incredulously.
"Yeah. I always used to get stuck with the job of Cook on Scout camps, too." explained Llama. Pretty soon she had an impressive looking Stew bubbling away over the fire.
"Hmmm... Smells good!" announced Percy, returning with Yeti having finally managed to get the tents up for the night.
"Yeah!" agreed Yeti. "What is it?"
"Uhh... Stew." replied Llama.
"Oh yeah? What's in it?" asked Percy.
"Uhh... I'm not too sure." replied Llama. "By the way, you two can toss to see who's doing the dishes."
Yeti gave Percy a funny look, then began to unzip his fly.
"Not like that!" Scolded Llama. "I meant toss a coin or something!" she explained.
"Oh!" said Yeti, a disappointed look crossing his face as he zipped his fly back up. Percy gave him a disgusted look, and pulled out a coin.
"Heads or tails?" asked Percy.
"Uh, tails." said Yeti.
Percy flipped the coin. It came down heads.
"Tough luck, looks like your doing the dishes tonight!" he taunted.
"That's okay," announced H'Rutt, "you can take the horses down to the stream, one at a time, and water them."
"What for?" asked Percy, "To make them grow bigger?"
"No, you idiot, I meant let them have a drink." explained H'Rutt.
"Oh!" said Percy.
Llama sighed.
A few minutes later they were all sat around the fire, eating from bowls full of steaming hot stew, each with a large nugget of bread to mop up the juices.
"Mmmm! this is really good!" said Yeti.
"Mmmmm! mmfff! Mft Mfzz!" agreed Percy, some juice running down his chin.
H'Rutt let out a tremendous loud belch. That was his method of expressing his appreciation.
A Short time later, when they had all finished eating, and Yeti had made a start on washing up, Percy wandered over to where the horses were tethered.
"Come on then, I suppose I'd better give you a drink." he said, grasping the tether of the grey and untying it. Leading the animal down to the stream, he stood by as the horse drank. On the other side of the stream, something glinted and caught his eye.
He looked up, but couldn't see what it had been, the opposite bank looked empty.
When the horse had finished drinking, he led it back, and tied it up again. Taking the next horse down to drink, the same thing happened again. Watching the horse drink, something glinted and caught his eye, but when he looked up, the bank was bare.
This happened every time he led one of the horses down to drink, until, after letting the last horse drink it's fill, whilst scouring the opposite bank for whatever it could be that was glinting, he decided enough was enough. Leading the horse back and tethering it again, he returned to the stream bank, and waded across.
Fortunately the stream wasn't very deep, or wide, and he was soon on the other side. Once there, he began an inch by inch search of the area he could have sworn blind that the glint had come from, eventually resorting to getting down on his hands and knees in order to see in the failing light.
"What ARE you doing?" asked Llama from the other side of the stream.
"Huh?" said Percy looking up. "Oh, it's you Amanda... oh, sorry. I forgot. What are you doing down here?"
"Taking a stroll. We were wondering where you had got to. What are you doing down there?" replied Llama.
"Um. Well, I think I saw something over here when I was watering the horses, see, only when I looked, I didn't, so now I'm looking for it."
"Oh. I see." said Llama, who didn't, really. "And have you found anything?"
"Obviously not," said Percy, "Or I wouldn't still be looking would I?"
"I suppose not." agreed Llama. "What exactly are you looking for?"
"Something that glinted at me." said Percy.
"What, like that glint over there?" suggested Llama, pointing.
"Where?" yelled Percy, scrabbling around in the dirt.
"No, not there, more to your left, sorry, your right, that's it, across a bit more, now back towards you... there! you're hand's right on it!" directed Llama.
"Got it!" cheered Percy, plucking a small muddy object from the soil.
"What is it then?" asked Llama, peering across the water.
"I don't know, it's covered in mud." replied Percy, moving down to the waters edge to clean it off.
"It's... a bracelet!" he declared as the mud fell away.
"Let's have a look!" said Llama excitedly, hopping impatiently as Percy waded back across the stream with the bracelet in his hand.
"That's not a bracelet," declared Llama, "That's an Amulet!"
"How can you tell?" asked Percy, "Looks like a bracelet to me. It's even decorated with all these squiggles."
"Those aren't squiggles" explained Llama patiently, "They're mystic sigils."
"Sigils, squiggles, it all looks the same to me." muttered Percy.
"Yeah, well, it's most probably magic." said Llama.
"Yeah?" said Percy, his eyes lighting up.
"Yeah. Put it on, let's see what it does. Only be careful, I don't want to be fried in a fireball or something - one death a week is enough for me."
"Fireball!" said Percy, his eyes lighting up even more. He tried to put the amulet on, but the bracelet was too small to pass over his fingers onto his wrist. "Bugger, it won't fit!" he complained, struggling to pull it off his fingers.
"Give it here" suggested Llama, "my hands are smaller than yours, it might fit me."
Percy handed it over. Llama examined it closely. Made of silver, worked round the edge in a fine pattern of the branches of vines and leaves, one side was studded with a ring of small ruby's, containing within it a smaller ring of sapphires and emeralds, which in turn encircled a single large flat diamond. In between each of these circles were inscribed various runes and
sigils, which Llama could make neither head nor tail of.
"Well," said Percy, "Get on with it then. Put it on!"
So Llama did. Slipping the amulet over her small hand onto her delicate wrist, it fitted nearly perfectly. Llama admired it - it certainly looked pretty on her wrist.
"So? What does it do?" asked Percy.
"I don't know." replied Llama.
"Well try something!" said Percy, getting frustrated.
"Like what?" asked Llama, absent-mindedly running her fingers round one of the circles of gems and runes.
"Anything!" replied Percy, "try pressing some..." he stopped.
Llama looked up.
Back in the camp, Yeti had finished washing up, and was packing the cooking gear away in the wagon. H'Rutt was breaking up some more wood for the fire to see them through the night - it was starting to get dark. Yeti heard a strange buzzing noise and felt as though he was being pulled strongly from behind. As he shot through several bushes, he realised he was being pulled backward at high velocity.
"Oh shit." he said as he ploughed through a small lake.
"Ow." he said as he shot out the other side of the lake and through a small copse on the shoreline. When he hit the side of the hill though, he was knocked unconscious, which was pretty fortunate, because he probably wouldn't have liked some of the other things he got dragged through (especially the cow - that got rather messy.)
H'Rutt heard a strange whooshing noise and turned around just in time to see Yeti flying off backwards through a hedge at high speed. Staring in disbelief, he watched as Yeti disappeared off into the distance.
As the whooshing sound disappeared along with Yeti, H'Rutt's keen ears picked up another noise. A Swishing sound was definitely coming in this direction at a rather rapid rate.
Suddenly the bushes through which Yeti had disappeared about thirty seconds earlier sprouted another hole about six feet to the left of the first, and a large bubble ploughed to a halt, half buried in the ground, just short of the fire, which was nearly blown out by the accompanying wind. The bubble slowly dissolved from the top downwards, revealing a small, wizened old man dressed in a magicians robes, stood in a crouched position in the hole left by the bubble. He had his face screwed up. Opening one eye carefully, he peered around.
"Ah! I have arrived!" said the old man, straightening up.
"I can see that." said H'Rutt. "The question is, who are you? Why have you arrived? and why has Yeti departed?"
"Ah. Uh. Um. Oh. well, I expect he's alright really," lied the wizard, "but I needed a dead-weight in order to translate myself here. And he was the easiest to get hold of at the time. It could have been worse, I mean, I could have used one of your horses!
"Good point," agreed H'Rutt, "We can't afford to lose any of the horses. But who are you? And why are you here?"
"Questions, questions, all people ever ask me are questions," moaned the wizard.
"What are people supposed to ask?" asked H'Rutt, puzzled.
"Eh? Oh, nevermind." replied the wizard, fumbling about inside his robe. "Now where did I put it? I know I've got it in here somewhere," he added, rummaging around inside his robe. He pulled out a piece of parchment. "Ah, here it is! Now, where's the Maker?"
"Who?" asked H'Rutt.
CHAPTER 10: "eight times out of ten, (when tested), when the shit really hits the fan it just falls off in a large lump."
Llama looked up.
The reason Percy had gone quiet was immediately obvious. He wasn't there. In fact, neither was the stream, or the path, or anything else that should have been where Llama had last been stood. Somehow, it had all vanished, to be replaced by steaming hot jungle.
Pulling off the amulet with a startled yell, the jungle vanished, to be replaced by the river bank and Percy's familiar face, rather close and bending over her.
"What are you doing?" asked Llama.
"Well, you fainted" explained Percy, "I was just trying to check you were still breathing o.k.."
"Well, would you mind removing your hand from my chest?" asked Llama, sitting up and backing away.
"Oh, yes. um, sorry" said Percy, looking slightly embarrassed.
Llama looked closely at the amulet which she still held in her hand. the gems glistened in the moonlight.
Moonlight?
"How long was I out?" asked Llama.
"About an hour." said Percy. "You fainted just before Yeti whizzed through here. Look, there's the hole he made in the hedge." he pointed at a large gap in a nearby bush.
"Huh?" asked Llama.
"I don't know, I think it must be something to do with that amulet, but just after you rubbed it, Yeti shot through here, flying through the air at several hundred miles an hour" (Llama gave him sceptical look), "Well, very fast anyway, and he was travelling backwards, so he wasn't even looking where he went, and he disappeared off in that direction. Then you fainted, and I've been waiting for you to come round ever since."
"And no doubt been having a good grope?"
"Yes! I mean no!" exclaimed Percy.
"Come on, let's go and find H'Rutt - he might know what's going on around here." suggested Llama.
"Okay!" agreed Percy.
Back at the camp, H'Rutt was just a little confused. The strange wizard, who had introduced himself as DeOre Akel, had been busy explaining things to him. According to DeOre, this place was a dimension that existed because of people's imaginations. The wizard seemed to think that a great deal of where they were at the moment was created by someone known simply as "The Maker". In fact, it was apparent that DeOre believed that "The Maker" was responsible for their very existence. What was more deeply worrying was that it seemed that DeOre believed that Llama had been the Maker. H'Rutt had tried to explain to him that Llama had died out in the desert, but DeOre refused to listen to him.
If DeOre was right, then Llama was practically a god around here, with the ability to create and destroy literally at will, in fact, he could literally make happen practically anything he could imagine. This did not tie in with H'Rutt's impression of Llama at all, after all, why would anyone as powerful as that allow himself to trudge halfway across a desert to get blown up by an overgrown sandworm? No, H'Rutt decided, DeOre had got it wrong - despite what he might think, there was no way that Llama was The Maker. Besides, he was dead now, so it didn't really matter, did it.
DeOre had apologised for Yeti's rapid disappearance, explaining it was the result of the same spell that had brought him here. H'Rutt wasn't really worried, it was probably better to have a wizard in the team who could be more useful, especially in battle, than Yeti, whose only function in life appeared to be to drink beer and sleep alot. He wasn't too sure what Percy or Amanda would make of it, but then, he couldn't see Amanda worrying too much about Yeti anyway. I mean, what would a woman like that want with someone like him? Personally, he couldn't see what she was doing with Llama or Percy either, but then, it was a strange world.
Just then, Amanda walked into the camp, followed closely by Percy.
"Talk of the devil" muttered H'Rutt.
A small red imp appeared just behind his right shoulder, and tried to set fire to his hair. H'Rutt swatted it with a practised swipe and batted out the smouldering ends of the few strands of his hair where the creature had succeeded.
"What the hell was that?" asked Percy.
"Oh, just an imp." replied H'Rutt. "You gotta be careful what you say, they tend to latch onto literal phrases."
"Oh." said Percy.
Llama just stood there, an amused look on her face.
"Where's Yeti?" she asked.
DeOre coughed. "Ahem. Allow me to introduce myself. I am DeOre Akel" he declared, getting to his feet. Shaking Percy firmly by the hand, he turned to Llama and grasping her hand, kissed her on the knuckles. As he did so, he fixed her with a penetrating stare.
"He knows." thought Llama.
"Uh, I'm Amanda, and this is Percy." said Percy.
"You got that wrong again didn't you." said Llama.
"Charmed, I'm sure." said DeOre, with a little bow.
"So?" asked Llama, "Where's Yeti?"
"About a hundred and fifty miles away from here, and possibly not all in one piece." replied DeOre, uncomfortably. He then went on to explain about the spell, and it's probable results.
"Oh, I bet he's alright then." moaned Percy, miserably.
"What makes you say that?" asked Llama.
"Cos I'm never that lucky" explained Percy, looking crestfallen.
A hundred and fifty miles away, Yeti opened one eye. He hurt all over. He felt as if he'd broken every bone in his body, plus a few more he hadn't known about. He tried to move, and couldn't. It felt like he was in some sort of giant body sling, and encased from head to toe in thick bandages.
"There there, take it easy, don't try to move." came a soft, gentle female voice.
He swivelled his eye around in it's socket to try and see the source of the voice (his other eye was either covered by bandages or missing, he wasn't sure which), but couldn't quite see her. A delicate hand bathed his forehead with a cool flannel. He sighed, and wished he hadn't, because his chest hurt. He still felt so tired. His eyelid closed involuntarily and he slipped back into a deep sleep.
Dawn arose, and went for a walk around the camp. Since no-one else was awake, she got fed up of being on her own and went to look for more company.
Percy awoke with a yawn. He'd been having the weirdest dream... (even weirder considering he didn't normally remember his dreams.) He'd been dreaming about some woman who had been trying to tell him something very important - something that could mean saving the entire world from destruction, preventing the deaths of millions of innocent people and the annihilation of every living thing on the face of the planet. All he had to do was remember to say two small, seemingly insignificant words to Llama. This the woman had been adamant about. He had to tell Llama these two words, or their entire world was doomed. Trouble was, he couldn't for the life of him remember what the two words were. Ah well, it probably didn't matter anyway, after all, it was only a dream.
In a far off place, the screams of a million tortured souls dying in agony as a thousand demons rendered their flesh asunder and condemned their very souls to an eternity of agony and damnation were too loud to be bearable. Fortunately Percy was nowhere near enough to hear them.
Looking around, he realised that none of the others were awake yet, so he slipped off down the path to the stream for a wash. As he approached the bushes lining the banks of the stream, he thought he heard a noise. Being very quiet, he sneaked up to some bushes nearby from where he could get a clear view of the bank of the stream. He was more than a little surprised by what he saw.
There, floating on his back, in the middle of the stream, was Llama. Not Llama in Amanda's body, which Percy had left asleep back at the camp, but Llama as himself. Percy noticed he seemed to be asleep. Wondering what to do next, Percy came out from behind the bushes, and coughed. The body floating in the stream did not react. Percy walked down to the waters edge, from where he could almost reach the floating body. He wondered briefly why it didn't float off down the stream.
Looking closely, he could see that if it was really Llama's body, then it seemed as good as new. There was no sign of the explosion that had destroyed it and the fearsome beast in the desert. Wading out into the stream, he grabbed it by one shoulder and began to tow it back towards the bank. He noticed that Llama's clothes did not seem to be at all wet. Struggling, he dragged the body up onto the bank - It wasn't that Llama was heavy, he'd always been rather light, it was just that something seemed to be holding the body back, as if an anchor were tied around the body's feet.
The noise of him scuffing and puffing and panting as he dragged the body up the path towards the camp was enough to wake the others. They came part of the way down the path to see what it was he had found, then H'Rutt and DeOre helped him to carry it back into camp.
"I found him floating in the river," explained Percy, breathlessly.
"But he's supposed to be dead." commented H'Rutt. "I mean, he appears to be dead now, he's supposed to be in lots of little pieces all over the desert. Why isn't he?"
DeOre examined the body closely. "Hmmm." he said. "This body has life," he declared, "but the spirit is missing. This is just the shell."
"Oh, great." said H'Rutt. "So where the hell is his spirit? And how do we get it back into his body?"
"Well, unless I am mistaken, and I never have been before, his spirit is there," DeOre pointed an accusing finger at Amanda, "but as to how we get it back in his body, I have no idea. The body's astral chord has been severed, you see."
"What?" asked Percy.
"When the spirit leaves the body, it trails behind it a lifeline, an astral chord, usually from the heel, so that it can find it's way back into it's body." explained DeOre. "If this chord is severed, the spirit cannot return, and the person usually dies. I have never seen a case where the spirit enters and controls another body like this before, though."
"What is he talking about?" asked H'Rutt, "Surely he can't mean that Llama is really in Aman... Oh shit. THAT explains alot!"
Percy looked at Llama.
Llama shrugged. "I guess you all know now!" she said. "But there must be some way of getting back into my own body?" she asked DeOre.
"None that I know of." he mused, "But The Oracle might know."
"So, where is this Oracle then? How do we find him?" asked Percy.
"He lives atop yonder mountain, in a hermit's cave. I warn you though, it's not going to be easy to get to." said DeOre.
"Why not?" asked Percy.
"Because," explained H'Rutt, patiently, "the entire summit of the mountain is surrounded by the monastery."
"Oh." said Percy.
It took them only a short while to cook breakfast and break camp, and after loading the wagon, they carefully laid Llama's body in the back and covered it with a couple of sacks. Llama kept looking at it wistfully, and sighing.
They all decided to carry on and hope that Yeti would find them - they didn't have time to go and look for him right now. Mounting up, (DeOre now rode Yeti's horse) they set off along the track once more for the city of Noeh T'Parc.