CHAPTER 11: "Yesterday I couldn't even spell ~Injunear~. Now I is one!"
Yeti came to again. He wasn't too sure where it was he came to at, but it hurt, so he guessed it must be him, wherever it was. He noticed he seemed to be led on his side, with his arms and legs bound out straight in front of him in bandages - they seemed to be splinted as well. At least he wasn't in that body sling thing any more. And his head seemed to be free of bandages. He could see out of both eyes now, although one still seemed badly bruised and swollen. He heard a door swing open behind him, and tried to turn and look. His eyes widened. The girl who entered was a pretty young red-head. Seeing him straining to look at her she rushed forward and turned his head back round, gently laying it on the pillow.
"Oh, you stupid thing." she scolded, in a voice as sweet as honey, "You'll hurt yourself twisting like that. Lie still now."
"Mmmi Mmmwann ged mmmup." he mumbled.
"What?" she asked, cocking her head on one side. "Oh! you want to get up? No you can't, your still far to hurt. You just lie there for a couple of days more and then we'll see."
"Bud I'm Hungry." protested Yeti.
"Oh!" cried the girl. "Of course, you haven't eaten for three days! I'll go fetch some beef broth. Don't move now, and I mean it!" as she scampered out of the room, closing the door quietly behind her.
Yeti did as he was told, and she soon returned with a bowl of steaming hot soup. Gently easing him up into a sitting position, she spoon-fed him until it was all gone. This wasn't easy, as he kept trying to talk and ask questions, and she had to tell him to shut up several times.
"What happened to me? Where am I?" he asked as she wiped the last traces of soup from around his mouth with a napkin.
"I don't know what happened to you, we heard an almighty crash and Father found you embedded in the bottom of the cliff up in the top field." she explained, "You were an awful mess. There were bits of you, and bits of tree and rock, and bits of some poor cow, all muddled in together. But we managed to get you in here, and fixed you up, and here you are. Oh by the way, this is Cannaegoon. We're about an hours ride north of Noeh T'Parc."
"Oh." said Yeti.
"Now you answer a question." said the girl. "What's your name, and where are you from? And what on earth happened to you?"
"I'm Yeti, I'm from another world, and trust me, you'd never believe me if I did tell you." explained Yeti. "What's your name?"
"Megan O'Donnel." replied the girl.
The road to Noeh T'Parc was a long and dusty one. The slow pace had made the day seem to drag on interminably, even though the day was only just into mid-afternoon. Percy shifted his weight in the saddle - he wasn't used to riding, and he was definitely beginning to get sore.
Llama too shifted uncomfortably. Although an experienced rider, it was not of long journeys. She looked longingly at the lump of the body in the back of the wagon.
H'Rutt had been sat, almost half asleep in the wagon's driving seat. Now he seemed to wake up as he pulled the team to a halt. He stared intently down the road ahead, where it wound around a bend and between some large boulders. There was almost an eager look of anticipation on his face.
As the wagon stopped, so the others became alert.
"What is it?" asked Llama.
"Just a feeling." replied H'Rutt.
"Uh, would that be a good feeling or a bad feeling?" asked Percy, worriedly.
"A bad feeling." said H'Rutt.
"Oh. That's what I thought." said Percy.
DeOre started rummaging about in the pockets of his cloak, extracting a variety of pouches and jars.
"Here," said H'Rutt, "You might need this." and he tossed Percy a sword.
"What about me?" asked Llama, with a dangerously sweet tone in her voice.
"Eh? What about you?" replied H'Rutt.
"Don't I get to fight?" asked Llama, even more dangerously.
"Don't be silly. Women stay with the wagons." replied H'Rutt, taking no more notice of her.
"!" said Llama.
"I think there are about fifteen of them," said H'Rutt to Percy and DeOre. "That makes about five each. Whatever happens, don't let them surround us!"
"Okay." said Percy. DeOre nodded.
Unseen by the others, Llama rode off the track behind a nearby bush.
H'Rutt eased the wagon cautiously forward towards the impending ambush. Percy and DeOre followed, one hand ready on their swords. They drew nearer and nearer to the small rocky gorge, and still nothing happened. Not a sign of any potential bandits. The wagon rolled onward slowly, passing between the rocks and round the bend of the gorge. As the other end of the rocky outcrop drew into sight, Percy heaved a sigh of relief.
"I guess you were wrong." he told H'Rutt.
"SSHHH!" hissed H'Rutt, "We're not through yet!"
As if on cue, there was a rustle from on top the rocks on either side, and it started to rain bandits. At least, that's what it seemed like to Percy, as two men landed squarely on top of H'Rutt, knocking him from his wagon, while another knocked DeOre off his horse before he could ready a spell. More and more men seemed to be dropping off the rocks wherever he looked.
Drawing his sword and waving it in the air, he looked around, trying to decide who to attack first. He was caught by surprise when a bandit leaping off the rock into the fray impaled himself on the upturned sword. So surprised that the weight of the body on the end of the sword dragged him off his horse. This was lucky as it meant that the sword and two daggers which had been about to his head, chest and back respectively missed.
As he hit the floor, he rolled to absorb the impact, an action which at the same time pulled the sword free from the corpse. It also stopped him from getting stood on by the horse, who didn't like all these strange men dropping from the sky and was skittishly jumping around, looking for somewhere to run. As Percy finished his roll, he spotted a pair of legs stood right in front of him. Since he didn't recognise the legs, he looked up.
One of the bandits smiled evilly at him, and raised a large axe in the air. Without thinking Percy swung the sword around as hard as he could and was rewarded with a sickening scream from the axeman as the sharp blade connected with the bandits knee. Unable to support his weight on that particular leg any more, the bandit toppled over backwards, whilst at the same time letting go of his axe in surprise. The axe flew forward through the air to land with a bloody thud in the back of another bandit - one of the ones who had been holding DeOre tightly to stop him from spellcasting.
Freed at last, DeOre immediately cast a fireball, which caught two of the surprised bandits square on, incinerating them almost immediately, and set fire to a third. The burning man ran screaming off down the gorge, desperately seeking help, but none was forthcoming. Now a blazing torch, he disappeared off into the woods.
Percy stood up, and looking around for H'Rutt was just in time to see him stand up with one bandit clinging to his neck whilst he wrenched the head of the other around in a quick neck-breaking snap. Dropping the lifeless body to the ground, he grabbed the man clinging to his back by the hair and pulled him over his shoulder. The man screamed in agony as his scalp was parted from his skull by the massive pull, and fell from the wagon to land rolling on the floor.
Hearing a noise from down by his feet, Percy looked down, just in time to see the thief he had felled pulling a vicious looking dagger from his belt. Without hesitating he swung the sword again, and this time the man's head sailed off to roll somewhere under the wagon.
H'Rutt jumped from the wagon and reached for the huge sword strapped to his back. As he did so, he noticed a bandit sneaking up behind DeOre, and raising a vicious looking cosh. He just started to shout a warning when there was a large bang on the back of his head, sparks flew, and everything went black.
Hearing H'Rutt cry out, Percy whirled, just in time to see the big man get clubbed unconscious. He turned again to seek DeOre's help, and was dismayed to see him down too. He heard a small swishing noise behind him, but by then, it was already too late.
When he came too, Percy had a thumping headache. Trying to raise his hands to his pounding head, he discovered he was bound hand and foot. Twisting and turning, he managed to move himself to a sitting position.
Looking about him, he saw he was in a small wooded glen. H'Rutt was stretched out on the floor next to him, Sticky blood matted in his hair. Percy hoped he wasn't too badly hurt. DeOre was sitting just across from him, and didn't look too well either.
There were about eight of the bandits around a camp-fire about thirty feet away. The wagon was off to one side. The contents were lying around all over the floor. Percy grimaced as he failed to spot Llama's body anywhere amongst the loot. Looking around, he spied some freshly turned earth behind the wagon. Eight patches of freshly turned earth in fact. He strained to hear what the bandits were discussing.
"How the hell should I know what they were carrying this dead guy around for? The point is, they killed seven of us, and for what? They aren't carrying anything of value. So we can't kill them, see? At least if they're alive, we can make some money off 'em in the slave markets of Noeh T'Parc, and redeem our losses."
"I still say we kill 'em slow, make 'em suffer for killing Joel an' the rest." came another voice. There was widespread agreement from the other bandits.
A third voice chipped in, but Percy couldn't quite catch what it said. The first voice replied again though.
"I wish we'd caught the girl as well. She'd be worth a small fortune as a slave, easily three times what we can get for these other three."
The third voice said something again, and although Percy couldn't hear, he could guess from the raucous laughter that followed. He had better try and get out of here, he decided, and gritting his teeth, he started trying to wriggle his binding ropes loose.
CHAPTER 12: "Bugger this for a lark!"
Llama watched the camp from the safety of a nearby tree. She'd left her horse tied some distance off, so as not to attract the bandits attention, and crept carefully to within listening distance. Having heard the plans for her captured comrades, and the lucid details of what was planned for herself should she be taken prisoner, she didn't much like it.
"Bugger." she swore, under her breath. "Now I s'pose I've got to rescue those idiots and avoid getting captured myself. Great!"
Looking across the camp, she could see her three companions bound hand a foot. climbing down out of the tree quietly she made her way around to where they lay.
"Pssst!" she hissed.
"Pssst! yourself!" replied Percy.
"Shuddup, would you!" answered Llama, "I've got a plan!"
"Oh great, we're all going to die!" moaned Percy.
"Shut up," said DeOre, "and let her speak."
"Right." said Llama, "I am going to create a diversion. When I do, you three bust loose, and in the confusion, we bonk them over the heads and tie them up."
"Eh?" said Percy, "How we supposed to pull that off? there's eight of them and only three of us."
"four of us" corrected Llama, "and leave it to me. Just remember, whatever happens, stay near the wagon!"
"Only three of us," corrected Percy, "H'Rutt is out cold. He doesn't look too good either. Anyway, how are we supposed to bust loose?"
"Shit. H'Rutt would have no trouble snapping these ropes. Here, use this knife. Better cut those ropes now, I'll give you ten minutes, then I start the diversion. Find a large stick or something to knock them out with. See you in a bit!" and with that, she backed off into the bushes.
"So what are you going to do?" came Amanda's voice from deep within her head.
"I haven't got a clue!" replied Llama, "But I'll think of something!" and sat down on a log to think.
"Gottit!" he cried a moment or two later.
"Got what? I hope you haven't caught anything in MY body!" retorted Amanda, quickly.
"No, got a plan!" said Llama.
"Well, what is it?" asked Amanda.
"Easy. I set fire to the tents over there, by the woods, then when all the bandits are running about trying to put the fire out, me and the others run in and clobber them! They'll be so confused they won't know what hit them!" suggested Llama.
"I see." said Amanda, in a disapproving voice. "So your going to get that body of mine into a fight, are you?"
"No. Um... Yes. I suppose I am. I hadn't thought of that." replied Llama.
"Hhmmpphh!" snorted Amanda. "Well, in that case, I've got a suggestion to help you avoid getting my body hurt. Use the built-in Environmental Protection suit."
"Eh?" asked Llama. "An EP suit is big and bulky and all covered in cables and wires and... what do you mean, built-in?"
"You are forgetting" replied Amanda, "That body of mine is half robot. It's got a built in EP suit, and a whole lot of other useful stuff too. And the bulky EP suits were YOUR design. This one is my own, and fits like a glove. An iron glove."
"Okay, so how do I activate it?" asked Llama.
"Take off all your clothes, and I'll do it for you." replied Amanda, "Now, hadn't you better get setting fire to the camp?"
A few minutes later, one of the bandits started shouting, and pointing at the tents where flames were licking up the canvas. All the bandits within earshot came running, and started beating at the rapidly spreading flames with branches and blankets and anything else they could grabs. Soon all eight bandits were thus engaged.
Percy and DeOre took the cue, and dragging H'Rutt between them, made their way over to the wagon unseen. Searching through the scattered belongings, they quickly found a couple of swords. Rolling H'Rutt under the wagon for safety, they stood ready for action, watching the bandits desperately trying to put out the now uncontrollably raging fire.
Suddenly, a strange figure dropped from the trees above straight onto two of the bandits knocking them unconscious. Percy and DeOre stared, open-mouthed. The gleaming metal figure spun on one foot, and kicking out with the other, caught another bandit square on the jaw. The rest of the brigands, seeing their comrades attacked, stopped fighting the fires, and drawing their swords, rushed at the attacker.
With a howl, Percy ran forward, waving his sword above his head. He heard DeOre screeching as he ran along behind him. One of the bandits whirled round to face this new threat, and held his sword straight out in front of him. If Percy hadn't tripped on a root, he would have run straight onto the waiting blade, and impaled himself. As it was, he went face-first into the dirt, sliding forward into the knees of the thief who was bewildered by this unexpected move. Percy braced himself, waiting for the force of the killing blow from above, but it didn't come. instead, the thief just slowly knelt, then laid down, dead. Percy's sword had impaled him through the throat.
DeOre rushed past, and with a huge swing, made a largely unsuccessful attempt at decapitating another of the thieves. He did however manage to scratch the guys neck, thus getting his attention as the wildly swung sword carried on through its arc and forcefully embedded itself in the trunk of a nearby tree. The scratched bandit smiled at DeOre as he raised a vicious looking dagger. Percy heard DeOre mutter "Oh Bugger!" under his breath before he saw the old man poke two fingers into the attacking bandits eyes. The bandit screamed in agony as green bolts of energy started flying off of DeOre's hand and sizzling into the flesh of the bandits face. Percy got to his feet and brushed himself down. Bending down to retrieve his sword he failed to notice the bandit approaching with a raised axe.
Llama, observing Percy's rapidly approaching demise, screamed "No!" and slammed a fist into the palm of her other hand in frustration.
The thug approaching Percy stopped, a surprised look on his face, as his body was squeezed flat by invisible forces. With blood spurting from his mouth in a surprised gurgle, he collapsed to the floor, dead.
Percy looking up, stared in horrified fascination at what had happened to the now dead thug. A noise behind him warned him of the approach of another bandit, and he whirled to defend himself, engaging the man in a swordfight.
DeOre let the smouldering eyeless body drop to the floor. Gathering his robes about him, he stepped back behind a nearby bush to watch the rest of the fight from relative safety. He watched in amazement as the gleaming metallic figure punched the lights of another bandit out cold. Stepping over the limp body,
the figure looked round, then approached Percy, who was still battling valiantly with the remaining thief. He was thrusting and blocking and parrying like something out of a Basil Rathbone movie. He was also rapidly running out of breath. DeOre stepped forward out from behind the bush, and stood on the other side of Percy.
The bandit, looked wildly around for help from his colleagues, and seeing them all dead or unconscious, looked back at Percy. Looking at the metallic figure stood on Percy's left, and at DeOre with his gory fingers stood on Percy's right, he did some quick thinking and dropped his sword, raising his hands in the air.
"I knows when I is beat." he said in a thick foreign sounding accent. "Pleez don't kill me."
"Okay." said the gleaming metal figure in a familiar voice and popped him over the head with a metal fist. The bandit collapsed in an unconscious heap.
Percy turned and stared at the metal figure. Gleaming Chrome from head to foot, the curvaceous female figure looked like something out of a science-fiction movie.
"Amanda?" he asked in a wavering voice. "Sorry, I mean Llama? don't I?"
"Yes." replied the figure in a familiar soft female voice. "good innit?" she added, admiring her hands and arms.
"Ummm... well... it certainly looks good on you!" suggested Percy, lamely, blushing. The truth was, the strange metal covering perfectly moulded to Amanda's naked body. Perfectly. All over.
Glancing down, Llama realised this for the first time. "Oh shit." she said, looking up into Percy's blushing and DeOre's leering faces. Quickly covering herself with her hands, she backed off slowly into the woods, looking desperately for where she had left her clothes. Unfortunately, when she reached the spot where she had left them, her clothes were no longer there. Looking around desperately, she spotted them, or what was left of them, near one of the burnt out tents. It looked like someone had used them to try and put the fire out. There wasn't much left.
"Oh shit!" she wailed. "What the hell am I going to do now?" She quickly hid behind a tree as Percy and DeOre came running to find out what was the matter.
"What's up?" asked Percy.
"My clothes!" replied Llama, "their all burnt up!"
"Ah." said Percy, "I can see what you mean. Um. I know, any of your clothes left by the wagon?" he suggested helpfully.
"I don't know. Could you go and look for me, please?" asked Llama.
"Sure!" said Percy, trotting over to the wagon. Sifting through the scattered belongings, he eventually found the large chest. It was wide open, and it looked like most of the contents had been torn or thrown on the campfire. There wasn't much left. Scrounging around, he managed to find Amanda's original little black leather outfit in the bottom of the chest. Looking about, he also found a silk shirt that had been stuffed in a knapsack.
Returning to the tree with his spoils, he handed them over to Llama.
"Is this all you could find?" asked Llama.
"Yes." replied Percy, "The rest is all ripped up or burned."
"Shit." said Llama, "I suppose this will have to do. Um, why don't you go and load the wagon or something?"
"Why, what are you going to do?" asked Percy.
"I'm going to get changed. With a bit of privacy, if you don't mind." answered Llama.
"Amanda?" asked Llama, when the other two had wandered off.
"Yes?" came Amanda's voice.
"Um, this suit thingy." said Llama.
"What about it?" asked Amanda.
"Would you mind turning it off?" asked Llama, "Only it does
make me look like a total freak."
"Oh!" said Amanda, "Actually, I though it was quite flattering. Only, are you sure you haven't been eating too much? I look like I've gained a little weight."
"Are you trying to say I look fat?" protested Llama, "I've hardly eaten anything since I got into this body! Huh! Now are you going to turn this chrome thing off or not?"
"All right, don't get in a snit." chided Amanda. "I'll have it off in a minute. There you go!"
"Thanks." replied Llama, getting dressed. The leather of the short skirt and top felt strange without any underwear. She dubiously eyed the high-heeled shoes, and then sighed. Picking them up, she wandered back into the wrecked camp.
Percy and DeOre had been busy, tying up all the bandits who were lucky enough to still be breathing. They had also loaded everything salvageable back into the wagon.
"Hmm." mused Llama, eyeing the results of their industry. "Where's H'Rutt?" she asked.
A large groan answered her from under the wagon. A familiar hulking form crawled out, nursing his head.
"Arrgghhh!" screamed Llama.
"What? What's wrong?" asked all three men simultaneously.
"My body!" yelled Llama, with a very worried wide-eyed expression on her face.
"Looks great to me!" commented Percy, which earned him a black look from DeOre and H'Rutt.
"No, Not this Body you idiot, not Amanda's, I'm on about MY body, Llama's." explained Llama. "Where is it?"
"Oh! Oh." said Percy.
CHAPTER 13: "Virtual Reality will get you Virtually nowhere - fast."
"So, where IS my body?" asked Llama, agitatedly.
Percy's eyes crossed to the eight neat piles of dirt beside the wagon.
Llama followed his gaze.
"Oh shit, no!" she moaned.
"I wonder which one it's in." mused Percy.
"You mean you don't know?" cried Llama.
"I'll get a shovel." suggested DeOre, helpfully.
Some time later, having dug up all seven dead bandits they had finally found Llama's body. Apart from a little dirt, which never seemed to hurt it much anyway, it didn't seem too much the worse for wear. H'Rutt, having at last regained consciousness, had wandered over to their digging, and been filled in on recent events.
They carefully loaded the body into the back of the wagon, and hitched up the team. Retrieving their own horses, DeOre piped up. "Hey, aren't we forgetting something?"
"No, I don't think so." replied Llama. "H'Rutt, have we got everything?"
"Everything salvageable, yes." replied H'Rutt.
"No, I meant the bandits. The live ones." explained DeOre.
"They're still tied up over there. What are we going to do with them?"
"Um. Good question. Kill them?" suggested Percy.
"No, wait. I've got a better idea." interrupted Llama. "Let's do to them what they planned to do to us!"
"Yes, kill them!" announced Percy triumphantly.
"Nanananananano No. I mean sell them as slaves. In Noeh T'Parc. That way we come out with a little profit, to cover the cost of the equipment they destroyed." explained Llama.
"I don't know." frowned H'Rutt. "It could be a lot of trouble looking after them all that way. How are we going to transport them?"
"Well, we keep them tied up. And the wagon doesn't travel above a slow walking speed anyway." replied Llama. "The walk would do them good. Besides, I think the sight of them would act as a deterrent to any other bandits. Anyway, I don't think they are going to argue much after the beating we just gave them."
"You just gave them, you mean." commented Percy, drily. "One glimpse of that silver birthday suit of yours again and I think they'd wet themselves. (Or something.)"
"Pardon?" asked Llama, "I didn't quite catch that last bit?"
"Never mind." replied Percy, blushing at the memory of Amanda's body in full detail.
Half an hour later they had finally gotten all the prisoners tied to the back of the wagon and persuaded them to walk when the wagon moved. As they wound they way along the dusty road to Noeh T'Parc, They were all on guard for the first hour or two, expecting another ambush at any minute. As the time slowly passed, however, they each slowly relaxed, until the trudging of the prisoners footsteps was the only reminder of their recent encounter.
In a far distant world, as thousands died in intolerable suffering, there was one person who fate decided was going to do something about it. Unfortunately for him, it was going to be difficult to get anyone to pay attention and listen to him, let alone believe that he was the pre-destined hero, foretold of in legend. Ah well. It would be too easy if he was a typical muscle-bound, never-defeated in battle type warrior now, wouldn't it.
Actually, he is fairly muscular, although that tends to come from good country living and plenty of heavy lifting in farm work. Come to think of it, he is undefeated in battle, too - though that is probably because he hasn't been in any yet.
Anyway, he was out, ploughing his father's fields on a hot sunny day, when he felt thirsty. Deciding it was time for a break, he slowed the team to a halt, then un-hitching them from the plough, led them over to the shade of the small copse that bordered the field. He first watered the team and brushed them down, then bent down to retrieve his packed lunch from under a rock, (where he had stashed it to keep it cool). Groping about in the small, dark cavity under the rock, his hands felt something smooth and metallic. Grasping an edge of it, he tried to pull, but it wouldn't shift. His hand brushed against the cloth of the bundle in which his sandwiches were tied, and he retrieved that instead.
Munching thoughtfully on a sandwich, he got down on his belly and peered into the dark recess. He couldn't see anything. Sticking his hand in again, he quickly located the metal object. It felt smooth and curved, like the side of a cup or something. Examining the rock carefully, he looked about.
Grasping a large nearby stick, he inserted one end into the cavity as far as it would go, and then pulled the other end up, hard. The rock groaned, and shifted slightly. Straining harder, the rock shifted some more - and at the same time the stick snapped, the end where he had been pulling flying up and hitting him squarely on the jaw, knocking him out cold.
Beside him, the rock rolled to one side, revealing the edge of a piece of buried armour sticking half out of the ground.
As they rode along, something was niggling Percy. Eventually he worked out what it was.
"Llama," he asked, "Back there, during the fight. What happened?"
"We won, I thought." replied Llama, "Why? What's wrong with that?"
"I know that," explained Percy, "But there was one of the bandits, had an axe, I think, was about to chop my block off, and the strangest thing happened to him. He got squashed flat."
"Eh?" said Llama, "Whaddya mean, squashed flat? Squashed flat by what?"
"That's just it," explained Percy, "That's what has been bothering me ever since. It was like he was squashed flat by thin air. He just, well, squished and flattened out as I watched. It was horrible."
"Yeuch!" commented Llama, shivering. "What the hell could do that to a man?"
"That's what's worrying," replied Percy, "I think you did it to him. Only you don't know you did it do you? or even how?"
"She did it because she is The Maker, and therefore can control anything she creates." interrupted DeOre.
H'Rutt groaned.
"What?" asked Percy.
"WHAT???!!!!" asked Llama.
DeOre explained how he thought that Llama was The Maker, and therefore since he had created much of this world with the power of his thought, he could also control anything he had created in it. He seemed very surprised that Llama was unaware of this. He also explained that Llama could "create" anything he wanted. In short, Llama was by far the most powerful person in this world, possibly the closest thing to a living god. Then, looking at Amanda's curvaceous body, and the lifeless form stretched out in the back of the wagon, he amended the last statement hastily.
Llama rode on in silence as she digested this information carefully. Percy was not so quiet. He kept chattering on about how they had it made, and how he'd like this, and that, and how they could do this, and the other, until Llama finally turned round on him and snapped.
"Just bloody well shut up a minute will you!"
"My, aren't we touchy!" retorted Percy. "What's up? If I'd just been told I was practically a god, I think I'd be in a bit of a better mood, I can tell you!"
"Firstly, you were rabbiting on like a moron." scolded Llama. "Secondly, even if it is true, I don't know how to do any of the things I am supposed to be capable of. Thirdly, I don't want to be a god."
"Don't want to be a god?!!!" repeated Percy incredulously. "Are you feeling alright? this does not sound like the Llama I know!"
"Actually I don't feel too good." replied Llama.
"Oh." said Percy, and went quiet.
They rode on in silence for a while, with Llama feeling more and more uncomfortable.
Eventually they stopped and established camp for the night. Llama snapped at everyone who dared to speak to her.
"I expect she's just a little tired and confused," H'Rutt muttered under his breath to the other two when they commented on Llama's strange mood, "Don't forget, she's had a tiring day, not to mention a hell of a shock."
"That's still no excuse for being bloody miserable to everyone." retorted Percy.
Llama couldn't stand being around everyone in camp, so she decided to go for a walk. The countryside in which they were camped this evening was more open, grass-covered hills gently rolling around the base of the mountain. It reminded Llama of the Cotswold hills of home. Striking out at a country pace, she quickly walked to the top of the first hill and could see that several other hills nearby all joined into the one mass. She decided to walk along to where they all joined, and then on up a bit further, from where the view should be better. She had a lot of thinking to do, she knew, and there was nothing like a good walk for sorting out things in her head.
Llama was mildly surprised that the steep climb to the top of the first hill did not leave her breathless. In fact, she did not feel taxed by the effort at all. "Must be the damn robot in this body," she thought to herself. At least the grass was cool and pleasant, not to mention comfortable, under her bare feet.
Eventually she reached a grassy knoll, and decided it was as good a place as any to sit and think. She sat down with a sigh.
"What the bloody hell am I supposed to do?" she wailed, to the air in general.
Since this elicited no response from the surrounding countryside, she lay back in the grass and stared up at the fluffy white clouds in the clear blue sky. It was very relaxing.
She glanced over at the sun nearing the horizon. It would be setting soon, and she'd have fun trying to walk all the way back in the dark. In fact, she'd walked further from the camp than she'd intended to. Oh well, better make a start.
Getting to her feet to walk back, she noticed something about the local geography for the first time. She giggled.
"Oh no!" she laughed, "I should have guessed. Foot-hills!"
Sure enough, the shape of the hills below here formed a series of toes, which in turn joined onto a larger hill in the shape of a foot. Far off in the distance to her left she could see a similar arrangement of hill mirroring the set she was stood on.
The smoke of the camp fire could just be seen curling up from the gap between the big toe and the second one in.
"Yes. I think it was The Maker's idea of a joke." came a gruff voice from behind her.
Llama whirled, and gasped.
"Hey, take it easy, I'm not going to eat you." said the owner of the voice. "If I were, I'd probably have done it by now. Not that you don't look MOST savoury in that outfit!" it added.
"Eh?" asked Llama, caught by surprise by this last comment.
"Never mind." replied the beast. "Who are you, anyway? And what are you doing here? I don't mean to be rude, you understand, it's just we don't get too many barely-dressed beautiful young ladies around here. In fact, we don't get many humans around here at all. Just the occasional hunter, or adventurer."
"Uh... I was just out for a walk." explained Llama. "I'm Amanda... oh, hell, I'm Llama." she proffered a hand.
"Llama?" asked the beast, extending a large, clawed paw and shaking it gently in Llama's proffered hand, "What a strange name for a girl. Charmed, I'm sure. I'm Timothy Cook, explorer extraordinaire. Or at least, used to be, before this wretched curse."
"Curse?" echoed Llama.
"Yes, an unfortunate affair." explained the beast. "You see, I used to explore the world, seeking out new places to visit, you see, and then my brother, Thomas, would arrange for people to come and see them. You may have heard of him?"
"Thomas Cook... not the travel agents?" asked Llama incredulously.
"Yes, that's him!" chortled the beast. "Anyway, as I was explaining, I was in my tent one night, out in the jungles of Borneo, I think I was. Anyway, there I was, sleeping away, and I had the strangest dream. In my dream, I discovered this strange new country, and I was exploring a castle there. It was a great castle, as I recall, like something out of a fantasy story.
Anyway, I went in to one room, at the top of a tower, and just happened to walk in on a couple having a good old go at it."
"Go at what?" interrupted Llama.
"Er... making love. Anyway, he was a wrinkled old man, and she was a gorgeous buxom young blonde, and to be quite frank, I was disgusted by the sight." The beast shook his great head. "So, the old man, angry at being interrupted, and seeing my disgust, (I guess I must have pulled quite a face,) shouts at me ^Hah! I'll teach you!^ Next thing I know, I've turned into this," he indicated his hairy body, "and, naturally, I got a bit annoyed.
Now I don't usually lose my temper, but I guess it must be something of the animal in me, because next thing I know, I've got this old man lying on the floor between my paws, bleeding from profuse scratches and bites, dying. The girl had run off screaming. Anyway, with his dying breath, the old man whispers that the only way to get the curse undone is to get the girl to ~cough, cough~, with me. Ever since then, I've been stuck here, so I guess it's not just a dream." explained the beast.
Llama shook her head sympathetically at the sad tale.
"So I suppose that you've been looking for this girl ever since?" she asked.
"Heavens, no!" replied the beast. "I've been far to busy exploring this world!"
"Oh." said Llama.
"Yes, I've found out a lot about this place!" he announce proudly. "To be honest, It's easier and safer to explore in this form than as a human. Although I do miss it sometimes." he added.
CHAPTER 14: "Good 'ere, innit?"
"So, tell me about some of the things you have found out about this world then." asked Llama as she and the beast walked slowly back towards the camp.
"Oh, it's a strange world alright. It seems that most of it was created by some guy everyone calls The Maker." rambled the beast.
"So? What have you found out about him?" asked Llama.
"Not much." admitted the beast. "Only that he is the single-most powerful person in this world - well, after all, he is credited with creating it."
"Oh." said Llama. "So, I guess he's sort of a god, then?"
"Yes, I suppose he probably is." mused the beast. "Not that people worship him, or build churches or anything, you understand. No, the peoples attitude to him is a bit strange. It's the same way people talk about people who built great objects, like Eiffel and his tower, or Isambard Kingdom Brunel and the S.S. Great Britain."
"Oh." said Llama. "I see."
"Yes. The one thing I have learned about this world more than anything else though, is that anything seems to be possible here. It's a very dangerous place, and not one for a half-dressed young lady like yourself to be wandering around alone in."
"Hey, I can take care of myself!" protested Llama. "Besides, I have a pretty good idea of what's about."
"Hmmm." said the Beast.
They walked along in silence for a few minutes, before Llama asked "What should I call you? Tim hardly seems right, somehow."
"Oh, most people just call me Beast." replied the Beast.
They walked along in silence for a few more minutes, then Beast asked, "What's up? I can tell something is bothering you. Talking about it can help sometimes, you know."
So Llama explained all her troubles, about how they'd been dragged into this world, and were seeking a way out, and how Llama's body had been blown up, and he'd woken up as Amanda, and Yeti had disappeared, and about how it now seemed that Llama was in fact, The Maker, she was supposed to have all these magical powers, and didn't know how to use them, and how she didn't want to be a god anyway.
When she had finished, Beast looked thoughtful.
"Hmmm." he mused. "You really have got problems, haven't you! Still, look on the bright side. That body has got to be one of the best looking in this world, and if you don't know how to use your powers, then you can hardly act like a god now can you, so people aren't going to guess who you really are. Besides, most people think that The Maker is a man... sorry, but what I mean is they won't be looking for you in THAT body now, will they?"
"I suppose you're right," frowned Llama, "But I'm still bloody miserable. For starters, this story is getting far too corny, I mean, look at us, Beauty and the Beast? huh!"
"Er. Yes. I see what you mean." replied Timothy.
"Secondly," continued Llama, "This story is getting far too serious. I mean, it had a really crazy start, but for the last few chapters it has been trudging along as a fairly standard fantasy story, and I'm not happy with it."
"Well, that's up to you." commented the beast. "I mean, if you really are The Maker, then you'd be able to do something about that, even if you don't consciously know how to."
"Thirdly," Llama carried on, "I want my body back! I think I've spent too much time in this body already, and I'm starting to get too used to it."
"What do you mean?" asked Beast.
"I mean I think it's starting to affect on me." explained Llama. "The way I think and feel about certain things. And I don't like it. I'm worried that if I don't get back into my own body soon, I'm going to be thinking like that when I do, and that would definitely NOT be a good thing!"
"Oh, I see!" sympathised the Beast, "Yes, I can see that would be a worrying development for you. But I don't see that there's very much you can do about it. Sorry!" he apologised.
Percy and H'Rutt had rigged up some makeshift tents out of canvas sheets strung between trees. The had also set up the rest of the camp, got a good campfire going, fed the prisoners and tethered them to a stake for the night, groomed and fed the horses, and were cooking up a delicious smelling soup when Llama walked out of the darkness and into the camp.
"Where the hell have you been?" asked Percy, "We were starting to get worried about you. I don't want to be stuck in this bloody world on my own now, you know?"
"Oh, I just went for a walk." explained Llama, nonchanantly. "And don't worry, I would never leave you here in this world all alone now." she added, in a strangely light tone of voice.
"Are you alright?" asked Percy, suspiciously. "You're not coming down with anything, are you?"
Llama laughed. "Oh, if only you knew what you just said!" she giggled. "Actually, yes, I did come down with something. I came down with something I found on my walk, up the hill. Everyone, I'd like you to meet Beast."
The Beast walked into the circle of light from the fire.
"May I just say how extremely pleased I am to meet you all." he said.
DeOre's eyes widened in alarm as he keeled over backwards from the log he had been sitting on.
H'Rutt's hand shot to his sword, ready.
Percy gaped.
"I say," announced the Beast, "That soup smells awfully good. I do hope you can spare a portion. It's been so long since I had a decent cooked meal."
"Um... Uh... yeah, sure." stammered Percy, fetching a couple of bowls from the wagon and filling them with hot soup.
H'Rutt relaxed his grip on his sword, and offered Llama and the Beast some bread.
On a far off world, someone woke up with a really bad headache. That someone was the same person who had earlier been out ploughing the fields, when an unfortunate series of circumstances had led to him being knocked unconscious. That someone's name was, thanks to an unfortunate quirk in his parents sense of humour, Oof. Maybe I should tell you his surname, just to clarify matters a little. You see, his family name is Harted. Yes, that's right, his name is Oof Harted. Anyway, when he came to, he realised quite quickly that he wasn't lying in the wooded copse where his accident had occurred. The soft carpet, plushly covered seats, and lace curtains on the windows were a dead giveaway. As was the very richly dressed old man sat looking at him. Seeing him awaken, the old man smiled. Oof sat up.
"Ungh. Where am I?" he asked, putting a hand to his spinning head.
"You're in my carriage." replied the old man, adding "And could you please stop spinning your head? It can't be doing your head much good, and it's making me feel rather ill."
"Huh? oh sure." said Oof, complying. "What am I doing here?" he asked.
"Well, you appear to be waking up and asking alot of obvious questions." the old man told him.
"No, I mean how did I get here? and who are you?" explained Oof.
"Oh, I see. Well, I am Samuel Arriton, a merchant from Noeh T'Parc, and I was riding past a wooded copse when I spotted you lying there. You were obviously hurt, so I stopped and had you put in here to recover, and had my coachman dig up your find. A pretty impressive find it is too!" explained the old man.
"Find?" asked Oof.
"Yes, the set of armour." said Sam.
"Armour?" asked Oof.
"Yes. It was lying half-buried in the ground next to you. You mean to tell me you didn't know what you had found? Well, there's a raw deal for you." muttered Sam.
"Where is it?" asked Oof.
"It's safely packed in the secret compartment underneath this seat." Sam told him. "That's no ordinary set of armour you know. Have you heard the legend of the lost hero?"
"No." answered Oof, "Why?"
"Well, the study of myths and legends is a bit of a hobby of mine," said Sam, settling back into his seat in a serious story telling-mode, "and I believe you have just found the armour of legend. The armour of the lost hero. And that makes you him!" Sam explained the legend of the lost hero to Oof, who listened attentively. (The Legend of the Lost Hero and it's fulfilment is fully explained in another short story called "Nowhere to Hide" by the Llama and available soon, through the usual methods.) When he had finished, Oof sat and thought things through for a minute. Since that didn't seem to help much, he turned to Sam and asked, "So, what should I do now?"
"I don't really know." admitted Sam, "but I think it would probably be a good idea if you came along with me. I can provide you with the training and resources you'll need to meet your destiny."
"But what about my parents? Who'll do my work on the farm? Who'll see to the horses? Who'll finish ploughing the fields?" protested Oof.
"I'll send a messenger with a letter explaining it all to them." suggested Sam, "I'm sure that they will understand. After all, if you are the Lost Hero, then they are better off letting you fulfil the legend and save everyone, than having you working on the farm and dying like everyone else when the Goss hordes attack."
"Well, since you put it like that, I don't seem to have much choice." admitted Oof. "So, where are we going?"
"Back to my home in the city Noeh T'Parc." said Sam.
"Where is that?" inquired Oof. "I have never heard of it before." he explained.
"Oh, of course." cried Sam, "that's because it's on a different world. Sorry, I should have explained. I trade between different worlds. There is a gateway between my world a little way down this road, in a small village called Possed. From there we can travel to my own world, where we will emerge in the great city of Noeh T'Parc. There are few people who know of the gateways, mostly wizards or merchants like myself, and fewer still who possess the keys to use them."
"Oh." said Oof, and Sam spent the rest of the journey explaining about different worlds, the gateways, and the keys, and the city of Noeh T'Parc. CHAPTER 15: "Now what?"
As Percy lay in his makeshift tent, he could here the low murmur of H'Rutt and the Beast, still talking out by the fire. He couldn't make out what they were saying. He could also here DeOre snoring gently in the tent next to him. He couldn't here anything from Llama's tent. Ah well, at least Llama didn't snore, now he was in Amanda's body, like he used to when he was in his own. Percy shook his head. He still couldn't get used to the fact that the gorgeous, curvy, perfect young woman was really Llama.
It just didn't seem right. Neither did the fact that Llama was apparently some sort of super-wizard around here. And with a body like that now! Some people had all the luck! Percy sighed, and rolled over onto his back.
He watched the glimmer of the firelight reflecting off the canvas of his tent. Through the open end of the tent, he could see the glow of the nearly full moon in the sky above. There was a rustle in the bushes near the back of his tent. He sat up.
The rustle came again, then a soft voice hissed gently "You awake?"
"Yes." he whispered. A slender figure emerged from the darkness and sat down at the foot of his blanket. The moonlight made her delicate skin look like fine porcelain. "What's up? " he asked.
"I couldn't sleep." replied Llama. "Too much on my mind."
"Oh." said Percy.
"I finally figured it out." said Llama.
"What? How to use your powers?" asked Percy, excitedly.
"No, not that, this!" said Llama, indicating her slender wrist, where she was wearing the jewelled bracelet Percy had found by the stream.
"Oh! I'd forgotten about that!" replied Percy, "So, what does it do then?"
"It's a transporter." replied Llama, "Sort of. Look, you know the theory of how when we came to this dimension, we left our 'real' bodies behind and took up new ones here, so that when I got blown up in the desert, I didn't die?"
"Um, you mean like your body was destroyed, but you weren't?" tried Percy.
"Yes, that's it." agreed Llama. "Well, this bracelet transports you to another dimension, only your body in this dimension stays behind, your mind enters another body, like another image of your body in this dimension only over there, or something."
"I see." said Percy, who didn't really. "So, what good is that to us?"
"Well," explained Llama, excitedly, "I think that the other dimension just happens to be our 'reality'!!!"
"Yeah?" asked Percy, getting excited as well. "So you mean we can use that thing to go home?"
"Uh, no." said Llama. "You see, It's not that simple. Everyone has a source dimension, a datum if you will, to which they will always eventually return, as if they were attached by elastic. So any other dimension they enter, they are just visiting, they can't stay there, for various reasons to do with the fabric of space and time and stuff."
"Hold on." muttered Percy. "If what you just said is true, then shouldn't we just wait around and we'll just jump back to our own dimension then? We're not really stuck here?"
"No." Llama shook her head. This caused her long raven-black hair to fall in her eyes. Brushing it back she continued, "You see, whatever happened when we jumped here, it changed our datum dimension from our 'reality' to here. We're stuck. Normally we would live in our 'reality' and only see this dimension when we visited it in our dreams..."
"But now we live here and can only see home when we dream?"
finished Percy. "Oh bloody great. So we really are trapped in our own dreams. Or should that be nightmare?"
"This is definitely a dream." agreed Llama. "Believe me, you don't want to see what it's like in one of my nightmares! Anyway, the point is this. You don't always visit here when you do dream normally. There are multiple dimensions, and you could end up in any one of a thousand of them. With some training, you can influence where you end up to some extent, which is how I managed to do so much in this one dimension, but it's not easy, or accurate."
"So?" asked Percy, "What's your point?"
"With this amulet," she indicated the bracelet, "I can definitely get back to the 'real' world, every time, guaranteed. I don't know how long I can stay there for though, I suspect about 7 or 8 hours."
"Oh, I get it!" smiled Percy, "That's how long people normally sleep!"
"Yep!" grinned Llama, "There's one other problem tho'."
"What?"
"Well," explained Llama, "It took me ages to work out how to control where I come out in 'our' world. It's a bit hit and miss. And time flow doesn't seem to be constant between the two places."
"Whaddya mean?" asked Percy.
"I mean a few seconds there can be over an hour here - or vice versa. It's inconsistent." explained Llama, brushing her forelock back with one hand again. "There is a plus too."
"What?"
"I think we can bring physical objects back to this world!" said Llama triumphantly.
"Huh?" asked Percy.
Llama held out her hand. There, nestling gently in the palm of it was a coin. Percy looked closely. It was a penny.
"Great!" he said, "I wonder what the exchange rate over here is?"
"Hey, don't knock it. Think how much easier it would be over here with some equipment from back home." chastised Llama.
"Like what?" asked Percy.
"Like, I don't know, guns. And a Landrover. And some decent clothes. Torches. Anything like that."
"But, can't you just dream them up anyway?" asked Percy.
"No, I don't know how. I think the problem has something to do with how we were brought here, or possibly I just need to be in my body to do it." explained Llama. "I think this thing will work if we both hang on to it. Want to give it a try?"
She slipped the bracelet off her wrist and held it out for Percy to take hold of.
"So where are we going to end up?" asked Percy, "And what are we going to do when we get there?"
"How the hell should I know?" asked Llama, "I'm making this up as I go along!"
They "materialised" in a dark room. From what little light filtered into the room from the street light outside the window, it appeared to be someone's flat. Percy fumbled around the wall near the door and managed to find the light switch.
"Great." moaned Percy.
"What's wrong?" asked Llama.
"I just found the lightswitch." replied Percy, "Only it's not attached to anything."
"Oh." said Llama. "Can you open the door?"
"Yes. Why?" asked Percy.
"Cos I can hear an alarm going off outside, and I think it might be a good idea to get the fuck outta here!"
"I'm right behind you!" agreed Percy, following Llama out the door and down the street at a hurried pace. Curious faces peered at them from behind curtains.
"Quick, down here." indicated Llama, ducking into a dark alleyway. Percy followed.
"Shit." said Llama looking down at herself.
"What now?" asked Percy.
"I was kinda hoping I'd reappear inside my own body in this world. I'm still Amanda." she replied. "Amanda, you in here?" she thought. There was no reply.
"Oh." said Percy.
"I gotta find some clothes." announced Llama, suddenly.
"Eh?"
"This outfit makes me look like I'm in the oldest profession," explained Llama, "besides, I'm bloody freezing. Let's go shopping!"
"But it's night-time," protested Percy, "All the shop's will be shut! Besides, we don't have any money."
"It's only 4:30pm, I saw a clock back in that house." said Llama, "It must be winter, when it gets dark early. and as for money, well I 'borrowed' some off of H'Rutt. All we need to do is find a pawnshop."
"Yeah, but we still don't know where on earth we are!"
exclaimed Percy.
"Wrong! we're in Knightsbridge, London!" replied Llama, "I spotted a street sign when we were running in here. That means Harrods is just down the road. Now, are you coming shopping or what?"
"Ok!" agreed Percy. The two set off down the road, in what they hoped was the right direction.
Forty-five minutes later found them walking into Harrods, with a couple of thousand quid in their pockets, after having found a pawnbroker who was willing to accept the jewellery Llama offered with no questions asked. First place they headed was the ladies clothes section, where Llama bought herself underwear, jeans, t-shirt, a jacket, and a pair of trainers. Next they bought Percy a change of outfit, then they headed for the sports section.
"I don't know about you," said Llama, "But I reckon we could do with some equipment."
"Well, I reckon some guns would be real handy." suggested Percy.
"We're not going to be able to buy guns in here!" hissed Llama, "We haven't got licences or nothing!"
"What about air-guns?" asked Percy, "I reckon we can get ourselves a couple of those! Catapults would be good, those black-widow things. Cross-bows too." he added thoughtfully.
"Oh. Yeah. Good idea." admitted Llama, "Why didn't I think of it? I'm usually the gun-nut."
"Dunno." replied Percy.
They bought a couple of air-rifles, an air pistol each, several tins of shot, a couple of black-widows, but decided against the cross-bows, as they took too long to load up each shot. they also got a good sheaf-knife each, and a couple of maglite torches, with loads of batteries.
"Time to get some special effects!" announced Llama.
"You what?" asked Percy.
"I think some electronic wizardry could come in real handy." explained Llama.
"Oh, I see!" said Percy.
They proceeded to get some hands-free walkie-talkie sets, a radio-controlled car, (Percy's idea), a Ghetto-Blaster, a couple of tapes and CD's to play in it, a camcorder, and then Llama insisted on blowing the last of their money on a radio-controlled helicopter.
"What the hell use is that going to be?" asked Percy, "We don't even know how to fly the thing!"
"I'm sure it'll come in useful." Llama assured him, "Come on, let's find somewhere we can head back from without being seen!"
Percy followed her out of the store, loaded down with bags. Outside, on the busy street, Percy struggled to keep up with Llama, who being relatively unloaded was charging through the crowd. Llama stopped next to an open gateway that offered delivery access to some of the nearby shops.
Llama stopped and looked around at the crowds of people hurrying past. Percy caught up with her, out of breath.
"I don't believe it." muttered Llama, staring across the street. Pushing her way through the crowd to the kerb, she shouted across the street - "Hey, Sick!".
A red-headed lad on the other side of the road looked round wildly.
Llama waved, shouting again as she ran across the road to greet him. There was a loud squeal of brakes, and a bang. Sick looked totally bewildered. Percy winced as he watched Llama tumble over the bonnet of a taxi.
"Oh shit!" said Percy and Sick together.